Author: Mr. Cranky Page 2

What’s next for (Director Paul W.S.) Anderson? Maybe “Hannibal 2,” in which Anthony Hopkins escorts a group of toddlers to Chuck E. Cheese?

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I’d rather spend my 180 minutes seeing how hard a 400-pound gorilla can tighten a vise around my penis before I pass out from the pain.

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Affleck probably got the part of the blind superhero because he was the only actor too inebriated to duck when the producers flung objects at his head.

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This had all the drama of a traffic jam.

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To imagine that there was a whole process required to bring this film to screen is almost too painful to imagine.

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Whenever I see Denise Richards I tend to say the same thing Dustin Hoffman’s father said in “The Graduate”: ‘plastics’.

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Watching Bride Wars is like being dragged to your third cousin’s niece’s wedding, then finding out that they’re not even serving alcohol at the reception.

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If you want to see what happens when independent filmmakers have too much money and don’t know what to do with it, just go see Bee Season.

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Steve Guttenberg and a friendship between a dog and a dolphin – in what fiery pit of hell was this heartwarming plot conjured?

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Another half-baked helping of the worst kind of scientific clap-trap.

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This film appears to be something of an homage to "Some Like it Hot", which is kind of like saying that a bum taking a crap in a dumpster is an homage to “Star Wars.”

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If an utter lack of effort had its own award show, the people involved with Baseketball could stand proudly next to the Yugo engineers and Monica Lewinsky's personal trainer as deserving nominees.

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I’m not sure who cast this movie, but the only way they could have come up with two duller performances would have been to have the two leads play their characters using sock puppets.

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If you want to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Hollywood is a cesspool of whoredom and back-door deal-making, just look at the credits of the writers responsible for this monstrous piece of crap.

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Love is a douche commercial.

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It probably helps if you're high too when checking out Bad Teacher, as that might help you get through the film’s excruciating lack of plot, combined with a cast of characters that might as well have been lifted directly from every single f**king movie about a school ever made… ever.

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I don't know if Oliver [Stone] is going through detox or what, but ever since Natural Born Killers, he's moved the camera around like an epileptic in an earthquake.

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[Director Michael] Caton-Jones has about as much understanding of symbol and metaphor as a sock puppet.

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Chain Reaction has more nifty coincidences than an identical twins convention.

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This film has all the energy of a rotting corpse.

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The best thing about Chill Factor is that it’s over fast.

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