Author Mr. Cranky | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: Mr. Cranky Page 2

Think of Cowboys & Aliens as the wet spot on your mattress after a night of questionable passion. Everyone knows who made the wet spot, but no one wants to own up to it.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Cowboys & Aliens”

It's Melanie Griffith's best role yet… which is like saying the morphine shots are the best part about having first-degree burns over 80 percent of your body.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Another Day in Paradise”

Thus, it should surprise no one that what's eventually expelled onto the screen resembles the discharge of an animal that's been eating poorly to begin with.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Along Came a Spider”

Let’s see, Ben Affleck is stuck with Sandra Bullock in a small vehicle, and they’re driving all the way to Georgia. Is he going to fall in love with her even though they’re complete opposites? Holy shit, I think so.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Forces of Nature”

It’s like Isacsson wrote the dialogue to be performed by two sales consultants at a marketing conference.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism Down to You

Another half-baked helping of the worst kind of scientific clap-trap.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “In Time”

Thor is really just like your dad out in the garage after a few drinks. Only more racist.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Thor”

The incompetent who directed this film is Mike Mitchell, who’s probably some buddy of (Rob) Schneider and Adam Sandler, and whose main talent up until this point was cleaning potato chip crumbs off Sandler’s couch.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism

To imagine that there was a whole process required to bring this film to screen is almost too painful to imagine.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Dude Where’s My Car?”

This movie is so badly acted and directed that it would have improved its seriousness significantly by casting finger puppets in the major roles.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Breakfast of Champions”

Just three of the least-likable actors in Hollywood paired up with three total has-beens in an over-long, convoluted rehash of every “I hate my boss” plotline that you've ever seen. Except all of the funny ones.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Horrible Bosses”

Whenever I see Denise Richards I tend to say the same thing Dustin Hoffman’s father said in “The Graduate”: ‘plastics’.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Empire” Denise Richards

This is the same old, tired crap that Woody Allen has been exporting for who knows how many years now. It's like drinking milk with an expiration date from the Reagan era.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism

I’m not sure who cast this movie, but the only way they could have come up with two duller performances would have been to have the two leads play their characters using sock puppets.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Head Over Heels”

[Kevin] Spacey would have looked more believable playing Joan Rivers. I was convinced this was a science fiction film for a while because Spacey was wearing so much makeup I thought he was an android.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Beyond the Sea”

I don't know if Oliver [Stone] is going through detox or what, but ever since Natural Born Killers, he's moved the camera around like an epileptic in an earthquake.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Any Given Sunday”

If you want to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Hollywood is a cesspool of whoredom and back-door deal-making, just look at the credits of the writers responsible for this monstrous piece of crap.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “X-Men: The Last Stand”

This film appears to be something of an homage to "Some Like it Hot", which is kind of like saying that a bum taking a crap in a dumpster is an homage to “Star Wars.”

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Connie and Carla”

To imagine that there was a whole process required to bring this film to screen is almost too painful to imagine.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Dude Where’s My Car?”

You know when an actress like Claire Forlani starts making fun of other actresses for being anorexic, the film is operating in another dimension.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Boys and Girls”

This feels like it must have been the first draft of the script. In the case of Anchorman, if there's a completed first draft to be found at all, I'll lick a theater floor clean.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Anchorman”

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Author: Mr. Cranky Page 2

Think of Cowboys & Aliens as the wet spot on your mattress after a night of questionable passion. Everyone knows who made the wet spot, but no one wants to own up to it.

It's Melanie Griffith's best role yet… which is like saying the morphine shots are the best part about having first-degree burns over 80 percent of your body.

Thus, it should surprise no one that what's eventually expelled onto the screen resembles the discharge of an animal that's been eating poorly to begin with.

Let’s see, Ben Affleck is stuck with Sandra Bullock in a small vehicle, and they’re driving all the way to Georgia. Is he going to fall in love with her even though they’re complete opposites? Holy shit, I think so.

It’s like Isacsson wrote the dialogue to be performed by two sales consultants at a marketing conference.

Another half-baked helping of the worst kind of scientific clap-trap.

Thor is really just like your dad out in the garage after a few drinks. Only more racist.

The incompetent who directed this film is Mike Mitchell, who’s probably some buddy of (Rob) Schneider and Adam Sandler, and whose main talent up until this point was cleaning potato chip crumbs off Sandler’s couch.

To imagine that there was a whole process required to bring this film to screen is almost too painful to imagine.

This movie is so badly acted and directed that it would have improved its seriousness significantly by casting finger puppets in the major roles.

Just three of the least-likable actors in Hollywood paired up with three total has-beens in an over-long, convoluted rehash of every “I hate my boss” plotline that you've ever seen. Except all of the funny ones.

Whenever I see Denise Richards I tend to say the same thing Dustin Hoffman’s father said in “The Graduate”: ‘plastics’.

This is the same old, tired crap that Woody Allen has been exporting for who knows how many years now. It's like drinking milk with an expiration date from the Reagan era.

I’m not sure who cast this movie, but the only way they could have come up with two duller performances would have been to have the two leads play their characters using sock puppets.

[Kevin] Spacey would have looked more believable playing Joan Rivers. I was convinced this was a science fiction film for a while because Spacey was wearing so much makeup I thought he was an android.

I don't know if Oliver [Stone] is going through detox or what, but ever since Natural Born Killers, he's moved the camera around like an epileptic in an earthquake.

If you want to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Hollywood is a cesspool of whoredom and back-door deal-making, just look at the credits of the writers responsible for this monstrous piece of crap.

This film appears to be something of an homage to "Some Like it Hot", which is kind of like saying that a bum taking a crap in a dumpster is an homage to “Star Wars.”

To imagine that there was a whole process required to bring this film to screen is almost too painful to imagine.

You know when an actress like Claire Forlani starts making fun of other actresses for being anorexic, the film is operating in another dimension.

This feels like it must have been the first draft of the script. In the case of Anchorman, if there's a completed first draft to be found at all, I'll lick a theater floor clean.