Author: Mr. Cranky Page 3

If an utter lack of effort had its own award show, the people involved with Baseketball could stand proudly next to the Yugo engineers and Monica Lewinsky's personal trainer as deserving nominees.

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Steve Guttenberg and a friendship between a dog and a dolphin – in what fiery pit of hell was this heartwarming plot conjured?

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Unfortunately, all Coach Carter taught me was that I can actually scratch the first four verses of Revelations into the back of a theater chair with my fingernail in a little under two hours.

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I’m not sure who cast this movie, but the only way they could have come up with two duller performances would have been to have the two leads play their characters using sock puppets.

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I don't know if Oliver [Stone] is going through detox or what, but ever since Natural Born Killers, he's moved the camera around like an epileptic in an earthquake.

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You know, when the Devil’s spawn are susceptible to steak-knife attacks, evil has a problem.

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I’d rather spend my 180 minutes seeing how hard a 400-pound gorilla can tighten a vise around my penis before I pass out from the pain.

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Watching Bride Wars is like being dragged to your third cousin’s niece’s wedding, then finding out that they’re not even serving alcohol at the reception.

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I was stunned beyond words at the originality of the screenplay.

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This feels like it must have been the first draft of the script. In the case of Anchorman, if there's a completed first draft to be found at all, I'll lick a theater floor clean.

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This had all the drama of a traffic jam.

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There’s saccharine writing and then there’s writing that, if you could liquefy it and inject it into the five-year-olds watching this thing, would launch them into space. This is the latter.

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Just three of the least-likable actors in Hollywood paired up with three total has-beens in an over-long, convoluted rehash of every “I hate my boss” plotline that you've ever seen. Except all of the funny ones. 

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Thus, it should surprise no one that what's eventually expelled onto the screen resembles the discharge of an animal that's been eating poorly to begin with.

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Two hours of looking up at Marlon Brando's butt cheeks squashed flat against a glass tabletop would have been a preferable to this werewolf masterpiece.

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If I were a cop and I had seen both Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer, I'd be at writer Kevin Williamson’s house searching it for drugs. If I didn't find something, I'd plant a kilo of heroin in his ass for writing this piece of crap.

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If I had wanted to watch two hours of “VH-1,” guess what? … I would have stayed home and done that… for free.

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In this day and age, there’s simply no good excuse for having that many children.

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It’s truly rare that you see this level of insightful childhood psychoanalysis in a film about a basketball-playing dog.

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