Subject: Situations

Weaseling out of things is important to learn; it’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

It always looks darkest just before it gets totally black.

cartoon character, Peanuts, Charles Schulz (1922 – 2000) cartoonist
Situations

The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you.

American comedian & television host
People Situations Things

I’d always believed that old saying that the first 15 minutes in jail were the toughest, until I experienced the five minutes after that.

(1962 – ) American actor, comedian, writer, director & producer
Situations Time

Never position a rock near a hard place.

(1962 – ) English writer
Communication Situations Wordplay

I understand that the doctor had to spank me when I was born, but I really don’t see any reason he had to call me a whore.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Situations

The first time I ever got undressed in front of a woman, it was horrible; she started screaming… and then they kicked me off the bus.

comedian & actor
Situations

It’s as if a guy drove me into a ditch and said, ‘Don’t worry, I know how to drive us out of this.’

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Situations

100% pure yarn.

Situations

All you need to grow fine, vigorous grass is a crack in your sidewalk.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Situations

Power outage at a department store yesterday, twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

comedian
Situations Things

If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.

Characteristics Murphy’s Laws Situations

There’s nothing scarier to me than a group of men who go to the gym a lot, wear tight shirts, and are out enjoying a “boy’s night” fueled by vodka, Red Bull, and cologne from Walgreens.

(1982 – ) American actress & comedian
Situations

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks… and it was way to literal for me.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

You can put lipstick and earrings on a hog and call it Monique, but it’s still a pig.

(1933 – 2006) politician
Appearance Situations

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas; how he got in my pajamas I’ll never know.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

The sun always rises in the baby’s bedroom window.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations

My doctor said, ‘I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The good news is you don’t have premenstrual syndrome; the bad news is… you’re a bitch!’

(1949 – ) American actress & comedian
People Self Situations

I was walking in the park and this guy waved at me; then he said, ‘I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.’ I said, ‘I am.

(1973 – ) American comedian
People Self Situations

There is nothing new under the sun, but there are lots of old things we don’t know.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Situations Things Time

I grew up in a poor family… I had to cut everyone’s hair, because we didn’t have money for entertainment.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Money Poverty Situations