Quotes and One Liners

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Will a lightning rod work if it’s bent?
Dom Deluise: My lightning rod wouldn’t work… I’m going to have my doctor check my bent rod!

Dom Deluise

(1933 – 2009) actor, comedian, film director, chef & author

Peter Marshall: According to Zsa Zsa, does black look sexy on a woman?
Redd Foxx: I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Redd Foxx

(1922 – 1991) American comedian

Peter Marshall: According to animal experts, what usually gets an ostrich to bury its head in the sand?
David Brenner: A falling piano.

David Brenner

(1936 – 2014) American standup comedian, actor & author

Peter Marshall: Paul,Zsa Zsa Gabor says she never ever swims with her face in the water. Why?
Paul Lynde: It clogs the drain.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What did Anita Bryant do for her talent competition in the Miss America contest?
George Gobel: Punch the hairdresser.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Can breathing in and out of a paper bag help stop anything?
George Gobel: If it’s filled with wine it can stop me from shaking.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Rose Marie

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, your husband, Edgar, is talking in his sleep. Should you be upset if he talks about his secretary?
Joan Rivers: And how… his secretary is a guy!

Joan Rivers

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Peter Marshall: Who are Mark Trail, Steve Roper and Tank McNamara?
Paul Lynde: Oh, you found my address book!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Does the Secret Service have any women?
George Gobel: Of course, who do you think performs the secret service?

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Imagine you are a child in your mother’s womb, can you detect light?
Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Right after Trigger died, what did Roy Rogers announce he would do?
Paul Lynde: Dismount.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: What’s the one thing you should never do in bed?
Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: When are you considered an old man in Japan?
George Gobel: When you have to get your doctor’s permission to bow.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… the Pope believes the Vatican might be bugged?
George Gobel: And he also believes that 18 minutes of the new testament are missing.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… a man arrested in West Palm Beach, Florida was fined 75 cents after a policeman shot him with two bullets.
George Gobel: The guy only had a dollar, so the policeman shot him two more times.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Your date’s had a great shock, now she’s fainted. According to experts you should loosen her clothing, and do one other thing. What?
Paul Lynde: Send a postcard requesting an ambulance.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: On radio, Margo Lane knew something about young, handsome, wealthy Lamont Cranston. In fact, she knew about Lamont Cranston, things that no one else knew. What was it?
Paul Lynde: That his bellybutton was an outsie.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: The Pittsburgh Press calls it a combination of the Jitterbug, the Cha-cha, and the Mambo. What do you call it?
George Gobel: A short in my electric blanket.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

John Davidson: What state was originally divided into three sections?
Joan Rivers: Raymond Burr.

Joan Rivers

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director