Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 34)

I could stand flat footed and piss over a dump truck.

Miscellaneous

If he had a brain and was a bird, he’d fly backwards.

Miscellaneous

Confucius say… he who can take the rough with the smooth knows how to maintain an even keel.

Miscellaneous

I had a survey done on my house; eight out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
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Up shit creek without a paddle

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He's tighter than a fiddle string

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Dumber than a barrel of hair

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If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, what a Merry Christmas we’d have.

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When I think of all the hours and hours of my life I have spent watching television, it makes me realize, Man, I am really rich with television.

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I guess if I was starving to death I would eat a dog; but not a collie, because I don’t like the taste of collie.

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Don’t start choppin’ till you’ve treed the coon.

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Dumber than a road lizard

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His head is full of stump water.

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Slow as an iron toad

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If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I’d try to stay near the back; that way, if somebody shamed us into disbanding, I could sort of slip off to the side and pretend I was window-shopping or something.

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Whenever I start thinking that I am not living up to my potential, I remind myself of the old farmer and his fight to the death with the insane pig. It’s an exciting story, and it takes my mind off all this “potential” business.

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I'll walk to town on that lip!

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Her tongue was tied in the middle and loose at both ends.

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Our grandpas swapped horses.

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Church was a reminder there was something worse than school.

(1946 – ) American comedian
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Louder than two skeletons fighting on a tin roof.

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