Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 35)

No bigger than the little end of nothin’ whittled down to a fine point.

Miscellaneous

Let me be the first to tweet about the 2018 earthquake.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Miscellaneous

To put the spit on the apple.

Miscellaneous

I guess if I was starving to death I would eat a dog; but not a collie, because I don’t like the taste of collie.

Miscellaneous

In my next life, I hope I come back as a parrot, because I already know quite a few words.

Miscellaneous

There are no requests for jugglers – only ‘Don’t juggle!’

Miscellaneous

She's uglier than homemade soap.

Miscellaneous

Never try to keep up with the Joneses; drag them down to your level… it’s cheaper that way.

(1908 – 1999) English writer
Miscellaneous

Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.

Vanderbilt football coach
Miscellaneous

Don't sneeze behind a skittish horse.

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To get clear water, go to the head of the branch.

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Held his hind leg.

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He couldn't hit the broad side of a barn.

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You’d walk her down the front row of a revival meeting.

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It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it: the Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Miscellaneous

Couldn't run a bath!

Miscellaneous

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, what a Merry Christmas we’d have.

Miscellaneous

I went to the barber and got my ears lowered.

Miscellaneous

I said to my wife, ‘Guess what I heard in the pub? … They reckon the milkman has made love to every woman in this road except one’ and she said, ‘I’ll bet it’s that stuck-up Phyllis at number 23.’

typographer
Miscellaneous

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you’re not supposed to drink and drive?

(1946 – ) American comedian
Miscellaneous

One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors.

Miscellaneous