Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 46)

Railroad time

Miscellaneous

Chugged full.

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In terms of instant relief, canceling plans is like heroin.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
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She’s totin’ the high leg.

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If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, “Congratulations, it’s a girl,” I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, “A girl!? You must have me mixed up with THAT dork!” and point to another father.

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That’s how the cow ate the cabbage.

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Medicine makes people ill, mathematics make them sad, and theology makes them sinful.”

(1483 – 1546) German monk, Catholic priest & professor of theology
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You could throw her in a river and skim ugly for two days.

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The bell cow

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If you’re an archaeologist, I bet it’s real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it’s not a skull but just an old dried-out potato.

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Every old crow thinks hers are the blackest.

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Monster Mash

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If you had a brain you'd play with it.

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She could eat watermelon through a chicken wire fence.

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Don’t trust the heart, it wants your blood.

(1909 – 1966) Polish poet, writer & aphorist
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I wouldn’t piss in his ear if his brain was on fire.

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I feel like a lost ball in a high weed.

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Not enough brains to give himself a headache!

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The Care and Feeding of Stray Vampires

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Whenever I need to ‘get away,’ I just get away in my mind; I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect; the only bad thing there are the flies… they’re terrible!

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Congratulations to Martin Luther King Jr. for having the only dream in history anyone actually wanted to hear about.

American comedian
Miscellaneous