Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 54)

Whenever I start thinking that I am not living up to my potential, I remind myself of the old farmer and his fight to the death with the insane pig. It’s an exciting story, and it takes my mind off all this “potential” business.

Miscellaneous

Busy as a stump-tailed cow in fly time.

Miscellaneous

I am ashamed of confessing that I have nothing to confess.


Miscellaneous

What if nothing exists and we’re all in somebody’s dream? .. or what'’s worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Miscellaneous

He's busier than a one-legged man in a butt-kickin' contest.

Miscellaneous

She Broken My Heart, So I Broke His Jaw

Miscellaneous

It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it: the Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Miscellaneous

Dumber than a box full of owl shit.

Miscellaneous

A shallow brook is noisiest.

Miscellaneous

Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the stilts? … it probably lasts longer, plus it moves around.

Miscellaneous

I’ll cloud up and rain all over you.

Miscellaneous

Grace the table.

Miscellaneous

How do you write ‘zero’ in Roman Numerals?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous

Fee. Fi. Fo. Meh.

writer, editor & film reviewer
Miscellaneous

When I think of all the hours and hours of my life I have spent watching television, it makes me realize, Man, I am really rich with television.

Miscellaneous

You are about as grateful as a toothache.

Miscellaneous

It’s been saucered and blowed.

Miscellaneous

Ladies, I wasn't circumcised, I was circumnavigated.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous

Too bad you can’t buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out.

Miscellaneous

I think college administrators should encourage students to urinate on walls and bushes, because then when students from another college come sniffing around, they’ll know this is someone else’s territory.

Miscellaneous

Was the Buddha married? His wife would say, “Are you just going to sit around like that all day?”

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Miscellaneous