Author: Classified ad Page 18

Free inside mini golf. Call ahead, because play is canceled if there is any funeral work. “We want folks to know we’re not so scary” we’re people. A funeral parlor is not a dark place, but a safe and secure one…

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard to find person.

Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months.

Tooth Whitening – For Any One Getting Married We Offer Nitrous Oxide Sedation – Call us today for details…

Correction – A headline on an item in the Feb. 5 edition of the Enquirer-Bulletin incorrectly state “ Stolen groceries.” It should have read “Homicide.”

BEAUTIFUL ENGAGEMENT ring. Yellow gold, wide band with 18 diamonds set in 3 rows of 3 diamonds on each side of one large round-cut center stone. worn, sparingly, for only 9 Days. “It Didn’t Mean Anything. It was just suppose to Shut Her Up.” It didn’t shut her up. Happy to be Rid of it too. For the first offer of $800.00. Phone… between 9 a.m. – 9 p.m.

FAMILY SEEKING energetic, young woman. Dedicated, responsible, family oriented, as permanent live-in provider, assistant, companion, concubine. Compensation negotiable.

Fully cooked boneless smoked man $2.09 lb.

856-981-…. $1.00 OFF Any Job Over $800

ATTENTION HOUSEWIVES IN WARREN COUNTY OR THE STATE OF OHIO: If your husband or varmint that you live with has bragged about getting a FREE CHRISTMAS TREE, it may be stolen.

SUBURBAN – SEE WAL-MART! From your private deck, high in the hills of Wyomissing! 5 BRs, 2 fpls. Spacious floor plan! $269,900.

Food Stamps Excepted [sic]

PET OF THE WEEK • Let this dog, Pea, in your home.

Lose All Your Weight, Only $49.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

If you have one of these symptoms, please call this 800 number – Death, Heartburn, …

Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.

In reply to your valued enquiry, we enclose illustrations of Dining Tables of Oak, seating fourteen people with round legs and twelve people with square legs, with prices attached.

CLASSIFIED: An unexpected vacancy for a knife-thrower's assistant. Rehearsals start immediately.