Author: Personal ad

Your buying me dinner doesn't mean I'll have sex with you. I probably will have sex with you, though. Honesty not an issue with opportunistic male, 38.

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Not everyone appearing in this column is a deranged cross-dressing sociopath. Let me know if you find one and I'll strangle him with my bra. Man, 56.

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CHRISTIAN woman looking for Christian man partner who is sympathetic with woman who has mental illness and hears voices but is self controlled. Phone…

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Are you Kate Bush?’ Write to obsessive man (36). Note, people who aren't Kate Bush need not respond.

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List your ten favourite albums… I just want to know if there's anything worth keeping when we finally break up. Practical, forward thinking man, 35.

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Wanted: Hard working, experienced farm woman. Household and field work; know how to cook; must own tracter –- send photo of tractor.

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Your stars for today: A pretty Cancerian, 35, will cook you a lovely meal, caress your hair softly, then squeeze every damn penny from your adulterous bank account before slashing the tires of your Beamer. Let that serve as a warning. Now then, risotto?

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Slut in the kitchen, chef in the bedroom. Woman with mixed priorities (37) seeks man who can toss a good salad.

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You're a brunette, 6', long legs, 25-30, intelligent, articulate and drop-dead gorgeous. I, on the other hand, am 4'10", have the looks of Herve Villechaize and carry an odor of wheat. No returns and no refunds at box…

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This advert is about as close as I come to meaningful interaction with other adults. Woman, 51. Not good at parties but tremendous breasts. Box no. 5436.

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To some, I am a world of temptation. To others, I'm just another cross-dressing pharmacist. Male, 41.

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Sinister-looking man with a face that only a mother would love: think of an ageing Portillo with a beard and you have my better-looking twin. Sweetie at heart, though. Nice conversation, great for dimly-lit romantic meals. Better in those Welsh villages where the electricity supply can't be guaranteed. Charitable women to 50 appreciated. Box…

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Philanthropy is my middle name. It's just a name though so don't be expecting any free rides. You can call me Mr Wallace. My first name is none of your business. Applications to box no. 9741.

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Bald, fat, short, and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite.

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Personal Announcements: S. Paraskos and Helen Walker would like to announce that they are no longer engaged.
Engagement: S.Paraskos of Paphos, Cyprus, and Nicola Jared of UK would like to announce their engagement. – Cyprus Weekly

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SEE WHAT HAPPENS, 22 yr old white male, 6’4”, 190 lbs, janitorial master, once cleaned 3 bathrooms in 20 minutes! Seeks 19 to 32 yr old female. Box 30940.

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My ideal woman is a man. Sorry, mother.

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Mature gentleman, 62, aged well, noble grey looks, fit and active, sound mind and unfazed by the fickle demands of modern society seeks… damn it, I have to pee again.

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Easygoing athletic SJM, 41, seeking SF, looks not important, must be tall, slim and attractive.

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Blah blah, whatever. Indifferent woman. Go ahead and write. Box ### Like I care.

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Bastard. Complete and utter. Whatever you do, don't reply – you'll only regret it.

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