Keyword: From Craig’s List

Attention male London Review of Books readers: 'Greetings, earthling – I have come to infest your puny body with legions of my spawn' is no way to begin a reply. Female, 36 – suspicious of any men declaring themselves to be in possession of a 'great sense of humor.'

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Your stars for today: A pretty Cancerian, 35, will cook you a lovely meal, caress your hair softly, then squeeze every damn penny from your adulterous bank account before slashing the tires of your Beamer. Let that serve as a warning. Now then, risotto?

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Blah blah, whatever. Indifferent woman. Go ahead and write. Box ### Like I care.

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Save it. Anything you've got to say can be said to my lawyer. But if you're not my ex-wife, why not write to box no. 5377? I enjoy vodka, canasta, evenings in, and cold, cold revenge.

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Sinister-looking man with a face that only a mother would love: think of an ageing Portillo with a beard and you have my better-looking twin. Sweetie at heart, though. Nice conversation, great for dimly-lit romantic meals. Better in those Welsh villages where the electricity supply can't be guaranteed. Charitable women to 50 appreciated. Box…

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Unashamed triumphalist male for the past 46 years. Will I bore you? Probably. Do I care? Probably not.

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You're a brunette, 6', long legs, 25-30, intelligent, articulate and drop-dead gorgeous. I, on the other hand, am 4'10", have the looks of Herve Villechaize and carry an odor of wheat. No returns and no refunds at box…

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This ad may not be the best lonely heart in the world, nor its author the best-smelling. That's all I have to say. Man, 37.

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They call me Naughty Lola. Run of the mill beardy physicist – male, 46.

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Bald, fat, short, and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite.

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Bastard. Complete and utter. Whatever you do, don't reply – you'll only regret it.

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Romance is dead. So is my mother. Man, 42, inherited wealth.

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To some, I am a world of temptation. To others, I'm just another cross-dressing pharmacist. Male, 41.

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My other car is a bike. Eco-friendly bio-diverse M (29). Smells a bit like soil and eats too much soup, but otherwise friendly (you're not seriously going to put that burger in your mouth, are you?).

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