Author: Personal ad Page 2

Your buying me dinner doesn't mean I'll have sex with you. I probably will have sex with you, though. Honesty not an issue with opportunistic male, 38.

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Romance is dead. So is my mother. Man, 42, inherited wealth.

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Bastard. Complete and utter. Whatever you do, don't reply – you'll only regret it.

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SEE WHAT HAPPENS, 22 yr old white male, 6’4”, 190 lbs, janitorial master, once cleaned 3 bathrooms in 20 minutes! Seeks 19 to 32 yr old female. Box 30940.

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Blah blah, whatever. Indifferent woman. Go ahead and write. Box ### Like I care.

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Not everyone appearing in this column is a deranged cross-dressing sociopath. Let me know if you find one and I'll strangle him with my bra. Man, 56.

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CHRISTIAN woman looking for Christian man partner who is sympathetic with woman who has mental illness and hears voices but is self controlled. Phone…

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Ploughing the loneliest furrow. Nineteen personal ads and counting. Only one reply. It was my mother telling me not to forget the bread on my way home from B&Q. Man, 51.

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Slut in the kitchen, chef in the bedroom. Woman with mixed priorities (37) seeks man who can toss a good salad.

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Sinister-looking man with a face that only a mother would love: think of an ageing Portillo with a beard and you have my better-looking twin. Sweetie at heart, though. Nice conversation, great for dimly-lit romantic meals. Better in those Welsh villages where the electricity supply can't be guaranteed. Charitable women to 50 appreciated. Box…

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Are you Kate Bush?’ Write to obsessive man (36). Note, people who aren't Kate Bush need not respond.

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Save it. Anything you've got to say can be said to my lawyer. But if you're not my ex-wife, why not write to box no. 5377? I enjoy vodka, canasta, evenings in, and cold, cold revenge.

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This advert is about as close as I come to meaningful interaction with other adults. Woman, 51. Not good at parties but tremendous breasts. Box no. 5436.

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Bald, fat, short, and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite.

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Your stars for today: A pretty Cancerian, 35, will cook you a lovely meal, caress your hair softly, then squeeze every damn penny from your adulterous bank account before slashing the tires of your Beamer. Let that serve as a warning. Now then, risotto?

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HANDSOME RAKE – Out of work leaf raker/bagger seeks whimsical beauty with unkempt auburn orc hestnut hair, cool with coarse hands and a penchant for whistling. mellow… mo, 28, …

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Love is strange – wait 'til you see my feet. F, 34, wide-fitting Scholl's.

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List your ten favourite albums… I just want to know if there's anything worth keeping when we finally break up. Practical, forward thinking man, 35.

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internet dates? – these are insane computer time’s we live in – wow. But how can you trust all of these e-men – it is just not safe – i am 100% real and –did not ever go to jail –Talk to me on the phone –i shook barack obama’s hand on two occasions – i know 15 guitar chords –I have a big tv with blue ray’s – I AM A REGULAR GUY SEEKING A REGULAR GAL – if you like eating tacko’s and you like to watch cartoons and movies and you have large breasts we will get along very well so please ring me up: …

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I celebrated my fortieth birthday last week by cataloguing my collection of bird feeders. Next year I'm hoping for sexual intercourse. And a cake. Join my invite mailing list at box no. 6831. Man

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