Author: Emo Phillips Page 3

I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Children Friends Old People

I like walking in the park… plucking out nose hairs; those sleeping winos hate that.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Situations

And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, “A truck!”

(1956 – ) American comedian
Communication Death Family Language Last words

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil… I don’t know how much she charges him though.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Girlfriends People

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Arms Conflict Time

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Girls Life Sex

I learned about sex the hard way… from books.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Books Communication Sex

I like going to the park and watching the children run and jump around, because you see, they don't know I'm using blanks.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Arms Children People Things