Author Mr. Cranky | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: Mr. Cranky

Unfortunately, all Coach Carter taught me was that I can actually scratch the first four verses of Revelations into the back of a theater chair with my fingernail in a little under two hours.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

If you want to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Hollywood is a cesspool of whoredom and back-door deal-making, just look at the credits of the writers responsible for this monstrous piece of crap.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “X-Men: The Last Stand”

If [Robert] Duvall can improve on his next effort, somebody might hire him to write and direct the return of the Police Academy movies. It would be a step up.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Assassination Tango”

It’s truly rare that you see this level of insightful childhood psychoanalysis in a film about a basketball-playing dog.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Air Bud”

Andy has two problems common to most Americans: He's a moron and he's itching to get laid.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “An American Werewolf in Paris”

If an utter lack of effort had its own award show, the people involved with Baseketball could stand proudly next to the Yugo engineers and Monica Lewinsky's personal trainer as deserving nominees.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Baseketball”

This had all the drama of a traffic jam.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen”

There is some serious venom spewing from this movie, probably because screenwriters Steve Franks and Tim Herlihy are beginning to realize their only talent in life consists of riding their friend’s coattails through the Garden of Mediocrity.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Big Daddy”

This movie is so badly acted and directed that it would have improved its seriousness significantly by casting finger puppets in the major roles.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Breakfast of Champions”

The incompetent who directed this film is Mike Mitchell, who’s probably some buddy of (Rob) Schneider and Adam Sandler, and whose main talent up until this point was cleaning potato chip crumbs off Sandler’s couch.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism

Affleck probably got the part of the blind superhero because he was the only actor too inebriated to duck when the producers flung objects at his head.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Daredevil”

You know when an actress like Claire Forlani starts making fun of other actresses for being anorexic, the film is operating in another dimension.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Boys and Girls”

This Mamet adaptation takes place in a very confined space, involves little or no action and is mostly concerned with how many minutes an actor can spew Mamet's laborious dialogue without collapsing.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “American Buffalo”

I’d rather spend my 180 minutes seeing how hard a 400-pound gorilla can tighten a vise around my penis before I pass out from the pain.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Boogie Nights”

Watching Bride Wars is like being dragged to your third cousin’s niece’s wedding, then finding out that they’re not even serving alcohol at the reception.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Bride Wars”

This film appears to be something of an homage to "Some Like it Hot", which is kind of like saying that a bum taking a crap in a dumpster is an homage to “Star Wars.”

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Connie and Carla”

Barb Wire is unlikely to spark heated intellectual debate at film schools anytime soon.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Barb Wire”

It probably helps if you're high too when checking out Bad Teacher, as that might help you get through the film’s excruciating lack of plot, combined with a cast of characters that might as well have been lifted directly from every single f**king movie about a school ever made… ever.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Bad Teacher”

The best thing about Chill Factor is that it’s over fast.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Chill Factor”

Let’s see, Ben Affleck is stuck with Sandra Bullock in a small vehicle, and they’re driving all the way to Georgia. Is he going to fall in love with her even though they’re complete opposites? Holy shit, I think so.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Forces of Nature”

This feels like it must have been the first draft of the script. In the case of Anchorman, if there's a completed first draft to be found at all, I'll lick a theater floor clean.

Mr. Cranky

(movie reviews at mrcranky.com)

Reviews/Criticism “Anchorman”

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Author: Mr. Cranky

Unfortunately, all Coach Carter taught me was that I can actually scratch the first four verses of Revelations into the back of a theater chair with my fingernail in a little under two hours.

If you want to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Hollywood is a cesspool of whoredom and back-door deal-making, just look at the credits of the writers responsible for this monstrous piece of crap.

If [Robert] Duvall can improve on his next effort, somebody might hire him to write and direct the return of the Police Academy movies. It would be a step up.

It’s truly rare that you see this level of insightful childhood psychoanalysis in a film about a basketball-playing dog.

Andy has two problems common to most Americans: He's a moron and he's itching to get laid.

If an utter lack of effort had its own award show, the people involved with Baseketball could stand proudly next to the Yugo engineers and Monica Lewinsky's personal trainer as deserving nominees.

This had all the drama of a traffic jam.

There is some serious venom spewing from this movie, probably because screenwriters Steve Franks and Tim Herlihy are beginning to realize their only talent in life consists of riding their friend’s coattails through the Garden of Mediocrity.

This movie is so badly acted and directed that it would have improved its seriousness significantly by casting finger puppets in the major roles.

The incompetent who directed this film is Mike Mitchell, who’s probably some buddy of (Rob) Schneider and Adam Sandler, and whose main talent up until this point was cleaning potato chip crumbs off Sandler’s couch.

Affleck probably got the part of the blind superhero because he was the only actor too inebriated to duck when the producers flung objects at his head.

You know when an actress like Claire Forlani starts making fun of other actresses for being anorexic, the film is operating in another dimension.

This Mamet adaptation takes place in a very confined space, involves little or no action and is mostly concerned with how many minutes an actor can spew Mamet's laborious dialogue without collapsing.

I’d rather spend my 180 minutes seeing how hard a 400-pound gorilla can tighten a vise around my penis before I pass out from the pain.

Watching Bride Wars is like being dragged to your third cousin’s niece’s wedding, then finding out that they’re not even serving alcohol at the reception.

This film appears to be something of an homage to "Some Like it Hot", which is kind of like saying that a bum taking a crap in a dumpster is an homage to “Star Wars.”

Barb Wire is unlikely to spark heated intellectual debate at film schools anytime soon.

It probably helps if you're high too when checking out Bad Teacher, as that might help you get through the film’s excruciating lack of plot, combined with a cast of characters that might as well have been lifted directly from every single f**king movie about a school ever made… ever.

The best thing about Chill Factor is that it’s over fast.

Let’s see, Ben Affleck is stuck with Sandra Bullock in a small vehicle, and they’re driving all the way to Georgia. Is he going to fall in love with her even though they’re complete opposites? Holy shit, I think so.

This feels like it must have been the first draft of the script. In the case of Anchorman, if there's a completed first draft to be found at all, I'll lick a theater floor clean.