Author: Mr. Cranky Page 3

[Director Michael] Caton-Jones has about as much understanding of symbol and metaphor as a sock puppet.

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I don't know if Oliver [Stone] is going through detox or what, but ever since Natural Born Killers, he's moved the camera around like an epileptic in an earthquake.

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Two hours of looking up at Marlon Brando's butt cheeks squashed flat against a glass tabletop would have been a preferable to this werewolf masterpiece.

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Watching Bride Wars is like being dragged to your third cousin’s niece’s wedding, then finding out that they’re not even serving alcohol at the reception.

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If I had wanted to watch two hours of “VH-1,” guess what? … I would have stayed home and done that… for free.

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This had all the drama of a traffic jam.

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Director Ted Demme is a moron, and here’s why.

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Affleck probably got the part of the blind superhero because he was the only actor too inebriated to duck when the producers flung objects at his head.

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This feels like it must have been the first draft of the script. In the case of Anchorman, if there's a completed first draft to be found at all, I'll lick a theater floor clean.

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I’m not sure who cast this movie, but the only way they could have come up with two duller performances would have been to have the two leads play their characters using sock puppets.

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Thus, it should surprise no one that what's eventually expelled onto the screen resembles the discharge of an animal that's been eating poorly to begin with.

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Thor is really just like your dad out in the garage after a few drinks. Only more racist.

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Anybody who refers to this film as “brilliant” is a moron.

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Captain America is a movie where nothing really happens until just before the very end, when the director accidentally filmed a few action sequences but made sure that the main bad guy wasn’t involved whatsoever. Then nothing happens, again, then roll credits.

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The incompetent who directed this film is Mike Mitchell, who’s probably some buddy of (Rob) Schneider and Adam Sandler, and whose main talent up until this point was cleaning potato chip crumbs off Sandler’s couch.

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To imagine that there was a whole process required to bring this film to screen is almost too painful to imagine.

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Chain Reaction has more nifty coincidences than an identical twins convention.

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It’s like Isacsson wrote the dialogue to be performed by two sales consultants at a marketing conference.

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Unfortunately, all Coach Carter taught me was that I can actually scratch the first four verses of Revelations into the back of a theater chair with my fingernail in a little under two hours.

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