Author: Mr. Cranky Page 3

This feels like it must have been the first draft of the script. In the case of Anchorman, if there's a completed first draft to be found at all, I'll lick a theater floor clean.

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It's probable that if a meteor landed right in the middle of Los Angeles, nobody would even notice. I say this because apparently nobody noticed that the first Anaconda sucked.

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[Kevin] Spacey would have looked more believable playing Joan Rivers. I was convinced this was a science fiction film for a while because Spacey was wearing so much makeup I thought he was an android.

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I was stunned beyond words at the originality of the screenplay.

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Steve Guttenberg and a friendship between a dog and a dolphin – in what fiery pit of hell was this heartwarming plot conjured?

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You know when an actress like Claire Forlani starts making fun of other actresses for being anorexic, the film is operating in another dimension.

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Watching Bride Wars is like being dragged to your third cousin’s niece’s wedding, then finding out that they’re not even serving alcohol at the reception.

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Whenever I see Denise Richards I tend to say the same thing Dustin Hoffman’s father said in “The Graduate”: ‘plastics’.

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This movie is so badly acted and directed that it would have improved its seriousness significantly by casting finger puppets in the major roles.

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Affleck probably got the part of the blind superhero because he was the only actor too inebriated to duck when the producers flung objects at his head.

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Think of Cowboys & Aliens as the wet spot on your mattress after a night of questionable passion. Everyone knows who made the wet spot, but no one wants to own up to it.

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Unfortunately, all Coach Carter taught me was that I can actually scratch the first four verses of Revelations into the back of a theater chair with my fingernail in a little under two hours.

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Miscellaneous Reviews/Criticism

The main character’s bout with cancer throughout 50/50 was nothing compared to the mental anguish I was forced to deal with as the 'plot' of this misguided medical morass unfolded before me.

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It’s like Isacsson wrote the dialogue to be performed by two sales consultants at a marketing conference.

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You know, when the Devil’s spawn are susceptible to steak-knife attacks, evil has a problem.

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There is some serious venom spewing from this movie, probably because screenwriters Steve Franks and Tim Herlihy are beginning to realize their only talent in life consists of riding their friend’s coattails through the Garden of Mediocrity.

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If you want to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Hollywood is a cesspool of whoredom and back-door deal-making, just look at the credits of the writers responsible for this monstrous piece of crap.

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At first, I thought the sword sequences were in slow-motion, but then I realized these guys just suck.

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Another half-baked helping of the worst kind of scientific clap-trap.

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