Author: Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford… then I want to move in with them.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children Family Situations Things

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities Housework

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities Housework

[My husband] can’t stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house… he can’t stand the competition.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance People Self

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Emotions Golf Laughter Sports

Do not taste food while you’re cooking… you may lose your nerve to eat it.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Cooking Eating Food/Drink

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Appearance Marriage

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Housework Work

I will never give up; I’m in my 14th year of a ten-day beauty plan.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Self

His favorite exercise is climbing tall people.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body Insults

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty… but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Life

My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix’ that’s why he’s never worked.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Husbands Marriage Work

You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Old

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Children People

Never go to bed mad… stay up and fight.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities Conflict Fights Marriage Sleep

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body People Self

He has so many muscles he has to make an appointment to move his fingers.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Body People

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Children Housework People

Burt Reynolds once asked me out… I was in his room.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
People Relationships

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Appearance Body Clothing Old

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Autos People Places