Author: Richard Lewis

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

It’s stressful being a hypochondriac. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

My family wasn’t very religious; on Hanukkah, they had a menorah on a dimmer.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Beliefs Religion

What’s a Jewish mobster?… ‘I’m going to break the legs of your therapist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Conflict People

I have low self-esteem; when were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Characteristics People Self Sex

When I was a kid my family said having feelings was an act of treason.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family Self

My goal this year is to make love being naked.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Sex

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Sex

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Situations

I never give advice – I give warnings to live by.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Beliefs

I wrote my nightmares out this afternoon so I can get a good night’s sleep tonight.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities Sleep

I’m trying to drop an asshole a day from my life and doing the math I’ll be done in the year 3011.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Food/Drink

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

My family taught me to take regrets one day at a time.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family

There’s nothing to fear but life itself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Fear Wordplay

Life can be a bitch so at least try not to fall in love with one.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Life Relationships

During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Self Sex

Dealing with joy sometimes is more difficult than overcoming adversity if you enjoy self-loathng as a hobby.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions

I don’t blame my parents for my dysfunctions… I blame their parents.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family Parents