Author: Richard Lewis Page 2

My goal this year is to make love being naked.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Sex

My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I’m someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Doctors Health

One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Characteristics

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions

I have low self-esteem; when were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Characteristics People Self Sex

I can’t do two things at once; I can’t have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Happiness

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

My shrink told me that my happiness was stress related.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Happiness Self

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Sex

Life can be a bitch so at least try not to fall in love with one.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Life Relationships

My car broke down this morning before I did.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Autos Things

My family taught me to take regrets one day at a time.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

Dealing with joy sometimes is more difficult than overcoming adversity if you enjoy self-loathng as a hobby.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions

When I was a kid my family said having feelings was an act of treason.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family Self

Even at home, on my stationary exercise bike, I have a rearview mirror.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Characteristics

This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Food/Drink

On New Year’s Eve, people in New Jersey stay up ‘til midnight and watch their hopes drop.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Places

It’s stressful being a hypochondriac. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

I tried phone sex and got an ear infection.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health Sex

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health