Author: Alfred E. Neuman

A plastic surgeon’s office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!

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Body Situations

A business executive is someone who talks golf in the office and business on the golf course.

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Golf Sports

Today, it takes more brains and effort to make out the income-tax form than it does to make the income.

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Government Money Taxes

Elections are when people find out what politicians stand for, and politicians find out what people will fall for.

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Elections/Voting Government People Politicians

If we really learned from our past mistakes, most of us would never get out of bed in the morning.

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Education History Learning Mistakes

How come we choose from just two people for president, and fifty for Miss America?

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Government

Blood is thicker than water… but it makes lousy lemonade!

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Relationships

Telephone psychics are better at making fortunes than at reading them.

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Money People

All lawyers are cut from the same cloth: fleece.

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Crime Government Law Lawyers

Today, too many workers spend their time trying to make their weekends meet.

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Money Time

Ever notice how random chance always picks you for jury duty, but not to win the lottery?

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Science/Weather Situations

America is still a land of promise, especially during a political campaign.

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America Government Places Politics

The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!

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Money Past Time

If you want to be on the upper crust, you need to have a lot of dough.

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Money

In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated!

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Intelligence

If opera is entertainment, then falling off a roof is transportation!

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Entertainment

The U.N. is a place where governments opposed to free speech demand to be heard!

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Communication Speech

It’s not the work that keeps most people from doing volunteer work, it’s the pay!

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Work

The only advantage to living in the past is that the rents are much cheaper!

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Money Past Time

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

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Situations Things

Starting a war in the name of peace is like poking a hole in a balloon to get more air into it.

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Conflict War