Author: Jimmy Carr

I’m not worried about the Third World War… that’s the Third World’s problem.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Conflict War Wordplay

I remember what I was doing the first time I told someone I loved them… I was lying to get sex.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Emotions Love Sex Situations

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato; now correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s pizza.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Food/Drink

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato; now correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s a pizza.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Food/Drink

Ladies, if you get a burning sensation when you pee, it could be one of three things: it could be a urinary tract infection, it could be a bushfire, or it could be someone’s talking about your vagina.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Health

I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Wordplay

If you’re going to have sex with a stranger …. always, always, always ask.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

I remember what I was doing the first time I told someone I loved them… I was lying to get sex.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Emotions Love Sex Situations

I know a couple who get on like a house on fire; they both feel trapped and are slowly suffocating to death.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

When someone close to you dies… move seats.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Death Situations

The American police have said they will never forget 9/11. Pretty hard to, I would think, considering it’s your phone number.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

Lingo, New Mexico

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Place Names

Cats have nine lives… which makes them ideal for experimentation.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Animals Cats

Jesus loves you… He’s not ‘in love’ with you.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Beliefs Religion

My father always used to say, "What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger," – ’til the accident.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Characteristics Situations

Environmentalists say that every day an area the size of Wales is destroyed… why is it never Wales.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Places

Jimmy Carr My father always used to say, ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger’… Until the accident.”

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Proverbs

I walked up to the airport information desk and asked, “How many airports are in the world?”

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication Language

Boxers don’t have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex