Author: Steven Wright

I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn’t have to go so fast.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Sports Time

I’m addicted to placebos; I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Drugs

How do you write ‘zero’ in Roman Numerals?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn’t going to be on the
 road an hour.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Science/Weather Things

I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People

I lost a button hole.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali; he was using a dotted line… he caught every other fish.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Art

Ballerinas are always on their toes; why don’t they just get taller ballerinas?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People

I wrote a few children’s books… not on purpose.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Books Children Communication Reading/Writing

I have a map of the United States… actual size.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
America Places Things

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Shopping Things

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking,” but I don’t have that
 much time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Things Time

The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays “Helter Skelter.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Music Situations

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Wordplay

For a while I didn’t have a car, so I drove a helicopter… I didn’t have anywhere to park it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Science/Weather

I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2" taller.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Things

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death