Quotes and One Liners

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Charley, an 87-year-old doctor named Quick invented something that’s named for him. What is it?
Charley Weaver: 87 years old? I’d say the quickie!

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: True or false… your teeth are about the same size and shape as a pig's?
Paul Lynde: Look who's talking, Beaverface!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: There's tennis elbow, there's jogger's knee, and there's swimmer's… swimmer's what?
Paul Lynde: All I can think of is trunks!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Diamonds should not be kept with your family jewels, why?
Paul Lynde: They’re so cold!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, True or false… occasionally, a bull moose will hear the horn of diesel train and will run to it thinking that it is its lover?
Paul Lynde: And heaven help the conductor!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to an old song, you should “Wrap all your troubles in…” What?
George Gobel: Furs… and tell her to stop calling your house!

George Gobel

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Charles, how many balls would you expect to find on a billiard table?
Charley Weaver: How many guys are playing?

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: During the 18th century it was common for a bride to sell something at her wedding reception to help pay for the cost of the wedding. What did she sell?
Paul Lynde: Her first born.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… there is a company that will rent you a nude bartender for your party?
Paul Lynde: (sings) Set ‘em up, Joe…

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: What was Rudyard Kipling describing when he wrote about a “rag-a-bone” and a “hank-a-hair?”
George Gobel: His unsuccessful attempt to shoot his wife out of a cannon.

George Gobel

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
George Gobel: Sometimes it sure seems that way…

George Gobel

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In the Bible, who was found in a basket among the bulrushes?
Paul Lynde: Colonel Sanders.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Elizabeth Post, does she think it’s a good idea to send out divorce invitations?
Sonny Bono: I forgot to ask!

Sonny Bono

(1935 – 1998) American recording artist, record producer, actor & politician

Peter Marshall: In the literary world, who kept saying ‘I think I can, I think I can?’

Charley Weaver: Well, out at the home, that was Mr. Ferguson. And Mrs. Ferguson kept saying '’ wish he would! I wish he would!’

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Shakespeare wrote 154 of them. What are they?
Charley Weaver: Checks to Rose Marie for services rendered.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: The U.S. will soon reportedly share a secret with Japan. What is it?
Paul Lynde: The location of the Pacific Fleet.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Tom Bergeron: Ellen, true or false… the state of Virginia was named after a reputed virgin.
Ellen Degeneres: Well, if that is true, what does that say about Idaho?

Ellen DeGeneres

(1958 – ) comedian, actress & television host

Peter Marshall: According to a recent article in the Miami Herald, at age 78, is Groucho Marx still interested in sex?
Charley Weaver: Yes, but he’s forgotten the secret word.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian