Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 18)

What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: “Why is it so dark in here?”

(1948 – ) English novelist

Stand pappy

That's like putting a side saddle on a boar hog!

If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, what a Merry Christmas we’d have.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’?

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

It’s as hot as blue blazes.

She’s so ugly her feet wouldn’t go to bed with her!

Let your vittles shut your mouth.

He is so green if you stuck him in the ground he would grow.

Ladies, I wasn't circumcised, I was circumnavigated.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I am going to jerk a knot in your tail.

One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors.

The Alcohall Of Fame

He don’t use his kindlin’ to get a fire started.

I’ll turn him inside out and scrape him.

This gravy's so good, if you get it on your forehead your tongue's gonna slap your brains out!

Dumber than a sack full of hammers.

You plant a tater, you get a tater.

He has enough money to burn a wet mule.

I think there should be something in science called the “reindeer effect.” I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."