Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 18)

What our ancestors would really be thinking, if they were alive today, is: “Why is it so dark in here?”

(1948 – ) English novelist
Miscellaneous

Stand pappy

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That's like putting a side saddle on a boar hog!

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If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, what a Merry Christmas we’d have.

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Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, ‘My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic’?

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer
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It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

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It’s as hot as blue blazes.

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She’s so ugly her feet wouldn’t go to bed with her!

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Let your vittles shut your mouth.

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He is so green if you stuck him in the ground he would grow.

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Ladies, I wasn't circumcised, I was circumnavigated.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
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I am going to jerk a knot in your tail.

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One of the worst things you can do as an actor, I think, is to forget your lines, and then get so flustered you start stabbing the other actors.

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The Alcohall Of Fame

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He don’t use his kindlin’ to get a fire started.

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I’ll turn him inside out and scrape him.

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This gravy's so good, if you get it on your forehead your tongue's gonna slap your brains out!

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Dumber than a sack full of hammers.

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You plant a tater, you get a tater.

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He has enough money to burn a wet mule.

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I think there should be something in science called the “reindeer effect.” I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."

Miscellaneous