Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 20)

As long as Pat stayed in the army

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I’m so poor that if it cost a nickle to go around the world, I couldn’t get out of sight.

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He's nuttier than a squirrel shit.

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We live by the Golden Rule: those who have the gold make the rules.

(1914 –2008) American baseball executive
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Whenever you see a bunch of Italian guys talking Italian, just go up to them and start talking fake Italian. They may not understand you exactly, but at least everyone will get a nice warm “Italian” feeling.

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I was sad, because I had no shoes, until I met a man that had no feet; so, I took his shoes, cuz hey, he wan’t using them!

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Well, slap my head and call me silly.

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He couldn’t carry a tune in a bucket.

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I think when you go on trial they should have a parrot there that says guilty or not guilty for you, as a sort of courtesy.

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Within a peg

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Caught with your pants down.

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I think my friend Jeff is gay; I don’t know – I’m so bad with names.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
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He was so fat it was easier to go over top of him than around him.

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Oprah Winfrey has named her new $51 million estate ‘Tara 2,’ after Scarlett O’Hara’s plantation in Gone With The Wind; meanwhile, Sally Jessy Raphael has named her new estate Apartment 4B.

(1974 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & television host
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Doesn’t know his ass from his elbow.

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We didn't plan to take 'em to raise.

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Drier than lizard spit on a hot rock

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Don't call him a cowboy, till you've seen him ride.

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You’re barking up the wrong tree.

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Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, within reason; when I asked her what she meant by within reason, she said that I ask a lot of questions for a garbage man.

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Peter Marshall: Liberace has a new book out called The Things I…?

Paul Lynde: Put in my hair.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
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