Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 49)

You don’t know shit from apple butter!

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He could sell firewood in hell.

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Ain’t got both oars in the water

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If I lived back in the olden days, and the doctor put leeches on me, I’d tell him to put them on my face, in the shape of a beard, so I could see how I’d look.

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Don’t start choppin’ till you’ve treed the coon.

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Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your backside?

(1973 – ) English comedian, writer, actor, director & producer
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As long as Pat stayed in the army

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Well I’ll be John Brown.

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She’s lost as last years Easter egg.

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Slower than a bread wagon with biscuit wheels.

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He's ugly enough to scare the buzzards off a gut wagon.

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The old pool shooter had won many a game in his life. But now it was time to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the floor. Sorry, he said with a smile.

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The other day I got out my can-opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, what am I doing?!

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Like they do in Alabama

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Drier than lizard spit on a hot rock

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It’s too bad cowboys didn’t eat much pizza back in the old west, because I think a good painting would be a cowboy giving his last slice to his horse.

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You've heard the saying that every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings. But what they don't tell you is that every time a mousetrap snaps, an angel gets set on fire.

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When I saw the old bum pushing his grocery cart down the street, at first I felt sorry for him; but then when I saw what was in his cart I thought, well, no wonder you’re a bum, look at the dumb things you bought.

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He don’t use his kindlin’ to get a fire started.

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Sometimes something worth doing is worth overdoing.

(1909 – 1966) Polish poet, writer & aphorist
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Gooder than grits

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