Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Miscellaneous
(Page 51)
I now know I’m psychic, because every time I go see a fortune teller, I know everything she says will be absolute bullshit ahead of time.
Wade Stokan
Miscellaneous
Occupations
Psychics
Never laugh at a man, until you have walked a mile in his shoes; then you are a mile away, and you have his shoes.
Miscellaneous
He is purple – the gay-pride color, and his antenna is shaped like a triangle – the gay pride symbol.
Jerry Falwell
(1933 – 2007) Am. evangelical pastor, televangelist, & political commentator
Miscellaneous
Homosexual
Warning that “Tinky Winky” of Teletubbies may be gay
… I hadn’t the heart to touch my breakfast; I told Jeeves to drink it himself.
P.G. Wodehouse
(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
Miscellaneous
Speaker: I have only ten minutes and hardly know where to begin.
Voice in the back: Begin at the ninth.
Jacob Braude
Communication
Miscellaneous
Speech
Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!
Country expression
Miscellaneous
An exclamation
I'll be!
Other expressions
Well
Don’t go off with your pistol half cocked.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Don't get mad unless you have all the facts
Other expressions
You're a dime holdin’ up a dollar.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
Said when someone is stopping you from getting something done
It's 100% easier not to do things than to do them.
John Mulaney
(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Miscellaneous
Meaner than a snake
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Mean
Other expressions
Well, slap my head and call me silly!
Country expression
Miscellaneous
An exclamation
I'll be damned!
Other expressions
Well
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Miscellaneous
If brains was grease, he couldn’t slick the head of a pin.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
If [such and such happens] then it’s Katie bar the door.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
There will be in trouble
It’s funny, but when you look at an old man, then you look at a photo of him when he was a young man, then you look at the old man, then the photo, back and forth, pretty soon you’ll do whatever anybody tells you to.
Miscellaneous
Don't get your knickers in a knot.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Calm down
Don’t get excited
Other expressions
Bigger’n Dallas
Country expression
Miscellaneous
It was sittin’ there bigger’n Dallas
Other expressions
Very obvious
There is one question that probably drives just about every vampire crazy: “Oh, do you know Dracula?”
Miscellaneous
As stubborn as a blue-nose mule and as busy as a cranberry merchant.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
Stubborn
When I was a baby I had no teeth, I couldn't get a job and I couldn't eat meat.
Miscellaneous
The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.
Miscellaneous
Page 51 of 75
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