Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 64)

When a dog bites a man that is not news, but when a man bites a dog that is news.

(1819 – 1897) American journalist, author & senior government official
Miscellaneous

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven; It might be a trick, but if it’s not, mmmm, boy.

Miscellaneous

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.

Miscellaneous

She came down the road like a Tennessee Walker.

Miscellaneous

He’s going to blow the gates of hell wide open when he goes.

Miscellaneous

She could ruin a two-car funeral.

Miscellaneous

How long is a piece of string?

Miscellaneous

Intercourse,  Pennsylvania

Miscellaneous

Where you stay?

Miscellaneous

A daily festival of human suffering.

American professional road racing cyclist
Miscellaneous

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

Miscellaneous

Darn it, I tumped over my tea.

Miscellaneous

I'll slap you to sleep, then slap you for sleepin.

Miscellaneous

When a dog is tight-mouthed

Miscellaneous

Dr. Phil is hiding something; otherwise, why wouldn’t he use his last name?

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Miscellaneous

Slow as pond water.

Miscellaneous

I sold my house this week… I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

(1949 – 2016) American comedian & television actor
Miscellaneous Things

You don't have the sense God gave a chigger.

Miscellaneous

But what if dolphins don't want to swim with retarded children?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you’re real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.

Miscellaneous

If the Lord’s willing and the creeks don’t rise.

Miscellaneous