Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 66)

What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you’re real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go to sleep.

Miscellaneous

I think the movie actually made my heart beat slower.

American movie critic
Miscellaneous

Higher the hair, closer to God.

Miscellaneous

Well, slap my head and call me silly.

Miscellaneous

Let a man skin his own skunk.

Miscellaneous

She'll be late to her own funeral.

Miscellaneous

The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother… they’ll settle for a puppy every time.

Miscellaneous

It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marine Land says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.

Miscellaneous

Happier 'n a puppy with two peters.

Miscellaneous

Mean enough to charge hell with a quart of ice water.

Miscellaneous

Don't gobble in the woods during hunting season.

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I’m not sure I want to get the nickname “The Love Machine,” because how does that affect my nickname now, which is “The Lawn-Cutting Machine?”

Miscellaneous

I’m gonna tan yer hide!

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She Even Woke Me Up to Say Goodbye

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We used to laugh at Grandpa when he’d head off and go fishing; but we wouldn’t be laughing that evening when he’d come back with some whore he picked up in town.

Miscellaneous

He don’t use his kindlin’ to get a fire started.

Miscellaneous

If you can't hang with the big dawgs, get off the porch!

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He’s got molasses in his britches.

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Our grandpas swapped horses.

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In school they told me “Practice makes perfect.” … and then they told me “Nobody’s perfect,” so then I stopped practicing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous

The overhead projector has done more to destroy learning than any other thing I can think of.

(1937 – 2014) American co-host of radio show “Car Talk”
Miscellaneous