Subject: People » Self

Til I was nine, my mother was still trying to get an abortion.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
People Self

When a person can no longer laugh at himself, it is time for others to laugh at him.

(1920 – ) Hungarian writer
Emotions Laughter People Self

A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never ceased to be amused.

(1934 – ) American actress, dancer, activist & author
Emotions Laughter People Self

I am the common denominator to all my bad relationships.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian
Characteristics Relationships Self

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Death People Self Sex

A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.


Intelligence Men People Self Sex

I’m a man of no convictions… at least I think I am.

(1946 – ) British playwright, screen writer & film director
Characteristics People Self

Sporting goods companies pay me not to endorse their products.

(1935 – ) American baseball player, sportscaster, comedian & actor
Self Sports

I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.”

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Language Self

Facetime fulfills a secret human desire: to mostly look at yourself while talking to other people.

(1982 – ) American comedian & actress
Computers People Self Things

They used to shoot her through gauze; you should shoot me through linoleum.

(1903 – 1968) movie actress
Appearance People Self

I’m a controversial figure: my friends either dislike me or hate me.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Friends Old People Self

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body… like a Peanuts character.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Appearance Body People Self

People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked; that is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Appearance Self

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs People Self

Usually I’m on top to keep the guy from escaping.

Lisa Lampanelli (1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Self Sex

Somebody stole my identity… good luck using it without the medications.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host
People Self

My specialty is detached malevolence.

(1884 – 1980) author & wit
Characteristics People Self

I play sports…no I don’t… what the f**k?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Self Sports

In my last year of school, I was voted Class Optimist and Class Pessimist. Looking back, I realize I was only half right.

(1937 – ) American actor
People Self

Even when I was a kid, my imaginary friend would play with the kid across the street.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Age Friends People Self