Author: Alfred E. Neuman

Plenty of people believe in energy conservation – mainly their own.

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Science/Weather

If banks are so good with numbers, why are there always eight windows and three tellers?

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Places

Anyone who says the truth shall set you free has never been to traffic court.

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Characteristics Truth

Good hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even when you wish they were.

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Characteristics Friends Old People

If most people said what’s on their minds, they’d be speechless.

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Communication Intelligence Speech

A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!

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Body Situations

All lawyers are cut from the same cloth: fleece.

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Crime Government Law Lawyers

The same parent who tells you it’s time to find yourself will also tell you to get lost.

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Family Parents

Most bosses never lift a finger at work, unless it’s to point out something you did wrong.

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Mistakes Work

In retrospect it becomes clear that hindsight is definitely overrated!

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Intelligence

A business executive is someone who talks golf in the office and business on the golf course.

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Golf Sports

Nowadays, the perfect crime is getting caught and selling your story to T.V.!

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Conflict Crime Entertainment Television

Most wives are like ventriloquists: they stand there nodding while the dummy does all the talking.

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Communication Marriage Speech Wives

Getting old is when a narrow waist and a broad mind change places!

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Age Appearance Body Old

Telephone psychics are better at making fortunes than at reading them.

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Money People

A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep!

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Education Occupations Sleep

A college jock is someone who minds his build instead of vice versa!

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Appearance Body People

Experience is what makes you pause briefly before going ahead and making the same mistake.

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Mistakes Problems Situations Time

Ever notice how random chance always picks you for jury duty, but not to win the lottery?

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Science/Weather Situations

America is still a land of promise, especially during a political campaign.

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America Government Places Politics

These days, the only time politicians tell the truth is when they call each other a liar.

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Characteristics Honesty Lies Politicians Truth