Author: Dave Barry
You cannot turn on your television without seeing them, although sometimes you have to hunt around.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
User: Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The great thing about golf – and this is the reason why a lot of health experts like me recommend it – you can drink beer and ride in a cart while you play.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, finished, and put inside boxes.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Although humans tend to view sex as mainly a fun recreational activity sometimes resulting in death, in nature it is a far more serious matter.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
This is why it takes several million sperm cells… to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
While you can only be young once, you can always be immature.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I haven't been able to slam-dunk the basketball for the past five years… or, for the thirty-eight years before that, either.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
There are no seeing eye cats, of course, because the sole function of cats, in the Great Chain of Life, is to cause harm to human beings.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist