Author: George Gobel

Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Death People Self Situations

I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Alcohol Food/Drink

Peter Marshall: True or false… there is a Catholic parish in Las Vegas that holds services in a topless discotheque?

George Gobel: Yes, and there's a sign that says "Do not tip or touch the choir."

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall: True or false… George, experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.

George Gobel: Yes, and I think I voted for six of ‘em.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall: According to Dear Abby, it’s nature’s signal that something is wrong. What is it?

George Gobel: When your son starts waxing his legs.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall:  Is it possible to housebreak an elephant?

George Gobel:  Yes, but don’t try it during a newspaper strike.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall: When are you considered an old man in Japan?

George Gobel: When you have to get your doctor’s permission to bow.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall:  According to Dear Abby, how long is the average honeymoon?

George Gobel:  Forty-seven minutes.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall: Does the Secret Service have any women?

George Gobel: Of course, who do you think performs the secret service? 

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall: According to Father Lester's column, is there ever, EVER a time when it is permissible to punch somebody in the mouth?

George Gobel: Well, yeah. Like if he backs into the church's new Chevy wagon.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall: Years ago, American Indians tied small pine trees to their feet, and thereby invented what?

George Gobel: Shoe trees.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall: What did Anita Bryant do for her talent competition in the Miss America contest?

George Gobel: Punch the hairdresser.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

Where I play, the greens always break toward the bar.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Golf Sports

Peter Marshall: True or false… a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.

George Gobel: Sometimes it sure seems that way…

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall:  George, does Elizabeth Taylor smoke?

George Gobel:  She has one cigarette after every meal, which amounts to… two packs a day.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?

George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

My uncle was the town drunk… and we lived in Chicago.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Alcohol Food/Drink

Peter Marshall:  According to Shakespeare, what acquaints a man with strange bedfellows?

George Gobel:  The tall dude in the purple hat. 

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall: According to French wine experts, was 1969 a good, or a bad year for wine?

George Gobel: Now this has got to be a trick question because there's never been a bad year for wine.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall: You have some lipstick on your collar. Will treating it with petroleum jelly help?

George Gobel: I'm gonna have a hard enough time explaining the lipstick!

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares

College is a place to keep warm between high school and an early marriage.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Education Marriage School