Author: Henny Youngman Page 2

While playing golf today I hit two good balls… I stepped on a rake.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Golf Sports

Bore: A guy with a cocktail glass in one hand and your lapel in the other

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
People

I take my wife everywhere… but she keeps finding her way back.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Marriage Places Wives

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses… drinks right out of the bottle.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Age Food/Drink Old

Americans are getting stronger; twenty years ago it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries… today, a five-year-old can do it.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Money

I live so far out of town, the mailman mails me my letters.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Places

The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean third base?"

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Baseball Sports

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he’s out of.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Family Work

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive; last week she learned how to aim it.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Autos Driving Things

My hotel room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Things