Author: Jimmy Carr

Cats have nine lives… which makes them ideal for experimentation.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Animals Cats

I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Wordplay

Swimming is good for you… especially if you’re drowning.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Activities

When someone close to you dies… move seats.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Death Situations

If we are all God’s children, what’s so special about Jesus?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Beliefs Religion

Lingo, New Mexico

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Place Names

When I told my mom I wanted to grow up and be a comedian, she said you can’t do both.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Entertainment Occupations Work

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die; I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help."

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Death Entertainment Television

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato; now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Food/Drink

Environmentalists say that every day an area the size of Wales is destroyed… why is it never Wales.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Places

Boxers don’t have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don’t fancy each

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato; now correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s a pizza.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Food/Drink

No matter how much you give a homeless person for a cup of tea, you never get that cup of tea.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
People

I did a sponsored walk once…. in the end, I’d managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Activities

I have no problems with buying tampons, I am a fairly modern man… but apparently they’re not a ‘proper’ present.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Things

If you’re going to have sex with a stranger …. always, always, always ask.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Sex

I’m not being condescending, I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Characteristics

I’m not worried about the Third World War… that’s the Third World’s problem.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Conflict War Wordplay

Saying that you don’t believe in magic but do believe in God is a bit like saying you don’t have sex with dogs, except Labradors.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Beliefs God

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste; when I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Communication Wordplay