Author: Mitch Hedberg

If you wear a turtleneck and a backpack it’s like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing

By the way, you don’t have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade; you could just be a thirsty dude; Gatorade forgets about this demographic!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink

It’s weird… people say they’re not like apes, but how do you explain football then?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Football Sports

I played golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. … you’re supposed to yell, Fore! but I was too busy yelling, “There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Golf Sports

I think Pringle’s intention was to make tennis balls, but the day the rubber was supposed to show up, they got a big load of potatoes instead; but Pringles was a laid-back company and they said, "f**k it, cut ’em up."

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Situations

Snake eyes is a gambling term… and an animal term, too.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Animals Games

Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse… that would be chaos.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People

Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Books Children Reading/Writing

They say Flintstonesvitamins are chewable; all vitamins are chewable, it’s just that they taste shitty.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Eating Food/Drink

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Money Things

Wearing a turtleneck is like getting strangled by a really weak guy all day.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing People

When you put Listerine® in your mouth, it hurts; germs do not go quietly.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

This sign says “IMPROV,” but I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an “E” on the end of it.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Language

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Sports

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it’s annoying.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks… and it was way to literal for me.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Alcohol Food/Drink

People tell me how hard it is to stop smoking; I think it’s about as hard as it is to start flossing.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared… “Tom’s gone! … Is he a magician?”… “No. … then let’s print up some flyers!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
People Situations

I got binoculars ’cause I don’t want to go that close.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things

You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man; I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ‘em later.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations