Author: Richard Lewis Page 2

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Situations

I tried phone sex and got an ear infection.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health Sex

I never give advice – I give warnings to live by.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Beliefs

I'm the Descartes of anxiety; I panic, therefore I am.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Characteristics

When I was a kid my family said having feelings was an act of treason.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family Self

There’s no place like home… that’s why I never went back.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Places

On New Year’s Eve, people in New Jersey stay up ‘til midnight and watch their hopes drop.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Places

During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Self Sex

You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar, but either way you’ve got flies.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Proverbs

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

I am much more comfortable in someone else’s skin.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Self

She said that after we had intercourse, I gave her an anti-climax.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Sex

My family taught me to take regrets one day at a time.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family

My grandfather used to make home movies and edit out the joy.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Family Happiness

My shrink told me it was pointless to believe in myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Beliefs Self

I have lowered my expectations, sexually; I don’t care what happens in bed anymore as long as I don’t make any grammatical errors.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Sex

My grandfather used to make home movies and edit out the joy.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Happiness

I don’t blame my parents for my dysfunctions… I blame their parents.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family Parents

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Love Time

Life can be a bitch so at least try not to fall in love with one.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Life Relationships

The first sentence that I was taught to say by my parents as a little boy was: “Of course I know that I’m wrong.”

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Communication People Self Speech