Author: Steven Wright

One night I came home very late; it was the next night.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note… it’s a start…

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

Why is it, “A penny for your thoughts,” but, “You have to put your two cents in?” … somebody’s making a penny.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Money

I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because I know it will be up all night.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Sleep

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Intelligence Mind

Why is the alphabet in that order?… is it because of that song?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

I played a blank tape on full volume; the mime who lives next door complained.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Music Situations

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

What are imitation rhinestones?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I was driving on the freeway and I saw a hitchhiker holding a sign that said ’heaven,’ so I hit him; he seemed like a nice guy, so he probably made it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Characteristics

I lost a button hole today.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Government Lawyers Occupations Work

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink

I stayed in a really old hotel last night; they sent me a wake-up letter.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Situations

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money

The speed of time is one second per second.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money People Situations

My house is on the median strip of a highway; you don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places

I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time,” so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Eating Food/Drink History Time

A wino asked me for change… I gave him my shirt.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Clothing Money