Author: Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Time

I stayed in a really old hotel last night; they sent me a wake-up letter.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Situations

I have a fax machine with “fax waiting.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication

I got a new dog… he’s a paranoid retriever; he brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Dogs Wordplay

How young can you die of old age?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age Death Life Old Young

I don’t like dogs… keep getting mustard on my catcher’s mitt.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Baseball Food/Drink Sports

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Fools Sports

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Situations

I can levitate birds… no one cares.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Science/Weather

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Things

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Characteristics Fear

Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

My friend just got a trophy wife… must not have been first place.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age

On the other hand… you have different fingers.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Body Communication Language

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Things

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Wordplay

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I play the harmonica, but only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Music Things

I was in a book store and saw a French looking girl, she was bi-illterate… she couldn’t read in two languages.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Reading/Writing

What are imitation rhinestones?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things