Subject: Activities » Housework

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

I used to live with five straight guys and – ew, the cleaning schedule was 'nope.'


No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

It (housework) expands to fill the time available plus half an hour: so obviously it is never finished.

How do you know if it's time to wash the dishes and clean your house?… look inside your pants and if you find a penis in there, it's not time.

(1957 – ) British stand-up comedian

I did think about adopting… an 18-year-old girl from Thailand, whose hobbies include vacuuming and some light dusting.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them; my mother cleans them.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Whatever arrangement you make for the division of household duties, your husband's job will be easier.

People often write me and ask how I keep my wood floors so clean when I live with a child and a dog, and my answer is that I use a technique called “Suffering From a Mental Illness.”

(1975 – ) blogger

Men – because of a tragic flaw – cannot see dirt until there is enough of it to support agriculture.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

I’m eighteen years behind on my ironing.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

I find apologizing for not having cleaned is easier than cleaning.

(1975 – ) English comedian

Have you ever taken something out of the clothes hamper because it had become, relatively, the cleanest thing?

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist

Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it.

(1899 – 1995) humorist

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor

Don't cook… don’t clean; no man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

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