Quotes and One Liners

Peter Marshall: What famous story begins with the discovery of magic beans?
Charley Weaver: Inherit the Wind.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
Charlie Weaver: A divorcee.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Paul, True or false… nylon is stronger than steel?
Paul Lynde: But steel panties don’t turn me on!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: You have some lipstick on your collar. Will treating it with petroleum jelly help?
George Gobel: I'm gonna have a hard enough time explaining the lipstick!

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Dear Abby says it's the single reason most people go to an X-rated movie. What is it?
George Gobel: Well, in the first place, they can't believe their eyes the first 20 or 30 times.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In a survey of teenage mothers, most of them said they were listening to this when they got pregnant. What is it?
Paul Lynde: A pack of lies.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to beauty experts at Seventeen magazine, what is the major cause of crows feet?
George Gobel: God made them so crows could dance.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… many of our highways and railroads were built directly on the trails left by bison?
Paul Lynde: So that’s why the roads are so bumpy.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false – Lawrence Welk has a fourth grade education.
Charley Weaver: That’s why he says, “And a one and a two…”

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Eddie, according to the Institute of Motivational Research, a wife should beware if another woman takes an interest in a certain item of her husband’s clothing. What item?
Ed Asner: Well, shorts immediately springs to my mind.

Ed Asner

(1929 – ) American actor

Peter Marshall: True or false – drinking can make you hard of hearing.
Charley Weaver: What?

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: According to an article in the Dayton Daily News, it’s the most universal reaction in men after they’ve gotten their divorce. What is it?
George Gobel: Relief.

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to The People’s Handbook Of Medical Care, it’s the single-most important factor in letting you know that something is wrong with you. What is it?
George Gobel: It’s when people pass you on the street, and go “YECCH!”

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: You’re marrying a man who’s been married before. According to the book “Everyday Ettiquette, is it all right to wear a veil?
Paul Lynde: No, I’m just gonna wear a baseball cap.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: When you go shopping, is there any difference between irregulars and seconds?
Charley Weaver: Out at the home, when I have seconds I get irregular.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: We’ve all heard the old phrase “A pig in a poke.” What is a poke?
Paul Lynde: It’s when you’re not really in love.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Nathan Hale, one of the heroes of the American Revolution, was hung. Why?
Paul Lynde: Heredity!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In the literary world, who kept saying ‘I think I can, I think I can?’

Charley Weaver: Well, out at the home, that was Mr. Ferguson. And Mrs. Ferguson kept saying '’ wish he would! I wish he would!’

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Every night before he went to bed, George Washington would always put his false teeth into something. What?
Charley Weaver: Martha!

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian