Subject: Marriage » Wives

Bigamist: A man who marries a beautiful girl and a good cook.

You might be a redneck if… your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook… after dinner, I don't brush my teeth, I count them.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Lately, I think that my wife has been fooling around because our parrot keeps saying, ‘Give it to me hard and fast before my husband, Jon Katz, comes home; and, yes, I’d love a cracker.’

(1946 – ) American comedian, actor & voice actor

There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes that she were not.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't.

(1885 – 1957) French stage actor, film actor, director, screenwriter & playwright

She took my son to Costco, bought 14 pounds of Oreos – and saved us money somehow.

American stand-up comedian

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won’t even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

My wife and I took out life insurance policies on each other – so now it’s just a waiting game.

(1962 – ) American stand-up comedian & game show host

There is a vast difference between the savage and the civilized man, but it is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

It's like my ex-wife… 21 different personalities and seven of them hated me.

American football coach

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I could be such a wonderful wife to another wife's husband.

(1931 – ) American author & newspaper journalist

My wife has just two complaints: first, she’s got absolutely nothing to wear and second, she’s run out of closet space to keep it in.

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife.

(1920 – 2006) American actress

One man's folly is another man's wife.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist

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