Author: Richard Lewis

Even at home, on my stationary exercise bike, I have a rearview mirror.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I tried phone sex and got an ear infection.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My grandfather used to make home movies and edit out the joy.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I don’t blame my parents for my dysfunctions… I blame their parents.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I’ll take a vacation if I don’t go.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I have low self-esteem; when were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

If there is reincarnation and I come back as myself, I’ll kill myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My family wasn’t very religious; on Hanukkah, they had a menorah on a dimmer.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Life can be a bitch so at least try not to fall in love with one.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

During sex I fantasize that I'm someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My car broke down this morning before I did.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar, but either way you’ve got flies.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I'm the Descartes of anxiety; I panic, therefore I am.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Dealing with joy sometimes is more difficult than overcoming adversity if you enjoy self-loathng as a hobby.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
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