Author: Richard Lewis

I can’t do two things at once; I can’t have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I don’t blame my parents for my dysfunctions… I blame their parents.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I’m trying to drop an asshole a day from my life and doing the math I’ll be done in the year 3011.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

One of my uncles said that apparently at birth I snuck out… I thought maybe someone was following me.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My family wasn’t very religious; on Hanukkah, they had a menorah on a dimmer.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I never give advice – I give warnings to live by.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

When I was a kid at my birthday parties my mom would say, “make a death-wish and blow out the candles.”

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

The best way to have an affair without feeling guilty is to sleep with your therapist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My shrink told me it was pointless to believe in myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Dealing with joy sometimes is more difficult than overcoming adversity if you enjoy self-loathng as a hobby.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

Life can be a bitch so at least try not to fall in love with one.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

The best tip for insomnia for me is not trying to sleep.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My nightmares have coming attractions.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

I’ll take a vacation if I don’t go.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar, but either way you’ve got flies.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

What’s a Jewish mobster?… ‘I’m going to break the legs of your therapist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

My goal this year is to make love being naked.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
The Literacy Site