Author: Richard Lewis

I have low self-esteem; when were in bed together, I would fantasize that I was someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Characteristics People Self Sex

She was hostile: you don’t have an orgasm and say to your lover, ‘Take that!'

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Relationships Sex

My family wasn’t very religious; on Hanukkah, they had a menorah on a dimmer.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Beliefs Religion

There’s no place like home… that’s why I never went back.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Places

As a child my parents said they believed in Santa Claus but that I didn’t exist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family Parents

If there is reincarnation and I come back as myself, I’ll kill myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Self

My shrink told me it was pointless to believe in myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Beliefs Self

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

I’ll take a vacation if I don’t go.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities

My family taught me to take regrets one day at a time.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family

My shrink told me that my happiness was stress related.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Happiness Self

The best way to have an affair without feeling guilty is to sleep with your therapist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Sex

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities Characteristics Sex

This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Food/Drink

I tried phone sex and got an ear infection.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health Sex

I wrote my nightmares out this afternoon so I can get a good night’s sleep tonight.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities Sleep

She said that after we had intercourse, I gave her an anti-climax.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Sex

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Love Time

On New Year’s Eve, people in New Jersey stay up ‘til midnight and watch their hopes drop.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Places

My grandfather used to make home movies and edit out the joy.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Happiness

I don’t blame my parents for my dysfunctions… I blame their parents.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family Parents