Author: Rita Rudner

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle… it wasn’t mine.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Dance Entertainment

My boyfriend and I broke up; he wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Marriage Relationships

If I can’t have it all, can I at least have some of yours?

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Life Situations

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog; well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Animals Children Dogs Family

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Cooking Eating Food/Drink Mothers

If you like easygoing, monogamous men, stay away from billionaires.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men Money People

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.” … so he went out and bought a present for my mother.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Family Fathers Mothers

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Age Friends People Young

It wasn’t that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Entertainment People Self

With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes; with male menopause you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Fat Men People Women

Don’t try to teach men how to do anything in public; they can learn in private; in public they have to know.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Learning Men People

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports; when four or more women get together, they talk about men.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Communication Conversation Men People Speech Sports Women

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn’t have to.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Children Family Men People

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers; I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Arms Fear Men People Things

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Animals Beliefs Dogs

Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Entertainment Men People

To me life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Children Family Life

Men love watches with multiple functions; my husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People Things

All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Sex

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage – they’ ve experienced pain and bought jewelry.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Marriage Men

That’s why the men’s department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People Shopping Women