Subject: Family (Page 2)

God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers.

Family Mothers Proverbs

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Characteristics Children People Things

Incest is relatively boring.

Family Sex Wordplay

I would like to give these kids a good home; in fact, there’s one a few miles away from here…

(1957 – 2008) American comedian & actor
Children Family

What's the advantage of having a kid at 49?… you can both be in diapers at the same time?

stand-up comedian
Age Children Old

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Family Food/Drink Mothers

A balanced meal is whatever stays on the spoon en route to a baby’s mouth.

(1958 – ) Australian author
Children Family Food/Drink

Now the thing about having a baby – and I can’t be the first person to have noticed this – is that thereafter you have it.

(1922 – 2003) author & playwright
Children Family

They’re both on drugs, they both detest you and neither of them has a job.

(Robert Norman Davis) (1945 – ) British comedian & actor
Family

Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

(1962 – ) Canadian-American actor & comedian
Family Relationships

If the baby is happy, don’t try to make it happier.

Family Proverbs

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Parents Places Young

I don’t blame my parents for my dysfunctions… I blame their parents.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family Parents

There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Family Places Relationships

My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than “alcoholic.”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Alcohol Fathers Food/Drink

Without identical twins, you’ll never get to experience entering a hotel room with one of them and watching him run into the full-length mirror because he though he saw his brother.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family

A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Children Family Learning

Friends are God’s apology for relations.

(1889 – 1949) British writer & journalist
Family Friends People

A teen-ager out of sight is like a kite in the clouds; even though you can’t see it you feel the tug on the string.

writer
Children Family

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Clothing Family Health

They have keys to my house, which is – that’s a mistake… cause they’re supposed to be emergency keys, and their idea of an emergency is to come in and leave me apple juice.

(1960 – ) American actress, stand-up comedian & media personality
Family Parents