Subject: Family (Page 2)

You don’t know anything about pain until you’ve seen your own baby drowned in a tub… and you definitely don’t know anything about how to wash a baby.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Death Family

It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Autos Children Things

One time my whole family played hide and seek; they found my mother in Pittsburgh!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Mothers People Self

There’s a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there’s a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Family Mothers People Women

… without embarrassing parents there’d be no psychology.

(1955 – ) American actor, comedian, producer, director & singer
Family Parents TV/Movie Quotes

Having a child makes you a parent; having two, you are a referee.

(1939 – ) British journalist, comedian, writer & media personality
Children Family

I tell ya, it’s tough to save a buck. Right now I’m supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Money

Sh*tty Mom: The Parenting Guide for the Rest of Us

Book Titles Family Mothers

I live in a two-income household… but who knows how long my mom can keep that up.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Family Money Mothers Travel Work

When I was kidnapped my parents snapped into action… they rented out my room.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Family Parents Self Situations

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Children Family

I read somewhere that 26 is too old to still live with your parents; it was on a note, in my room.

comedian
Life Parents Situations

Do not nurse a kid who wears braces.

Children Family Mothers Situations

My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn’t because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family Parents

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Family Relationships

Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.

(1924 – 1987) American novelist, writer, playwright, poet & civil rights activist
Children Family

They were the type of children who would kill both parents and make you feel sorry for them because they were orphans.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family

The Baby Owner’s Manual: Operating Instructions, Trouble-Shooting Tips, and Advice on First-Year Maintenance

Book Titles Children

The only thing I said to my parents when I was a teenager was “Hang up, I got it!”

comedian, writer, actor & producer
Age Children Communication Family Parents Speech Young

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Family Things

Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.

(1943 – ) comedian & actor
Children Family