Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Hollywood Squares
(Page 2)
Peter Marshall: According to Cosmo, can doctors do anything for your stretch marks?Rose Marie: Well, if he's musically inclined, he can strum them.
Rose Marie
(1923 – ) American actress & comedian
Hollywood Squares
Peter Marshall: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Charley Weaver
Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares
Tom Bergeron: Since the first woman entered this institution, 84 women have followed her. What institution is that? Whoopi Goldberg: Marriage to Larry King.
Whoopi Goldberg
(1955 – ) American comedian, actress, political activist & talk show host
Hollywood Squares
Peter Marshall: You became a mother two months ago. And you’ve been feeling a bit depressed lately. According to
Cosmopolitan
magazine, is this normal?Paul Lynde: I hate these stretch marks!
Paul Lynde
(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares
Peter Marshall: What are “Do It”, “I Can Help” and “Can’t Get Enough”?George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
George Gobel
(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares
Peter Marshall: True or false… there is a Catholic parish in Las Vegas that holds services in a topless discotheque?George Gobel: Yes, and there's a sign that says "Do not tip or touch the choir."
George Gobel
(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares
Peter Marshall: Back in the 1870s, Emile Berliner invented something, and without it, I wouldn’t be able to do my job. What was it? Paul Lynde: Let’s see… toupees? … facelifts? … contact lenses?… makeup? … capped teeth? … loud sports jackets?…
Paul Lynde
(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares
Peter Marshall: If you’re going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high? Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Charley Weaver
Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian
Hollywood Squares
Peter Marshall: According to
The People’s Handbook Of Medical Care
, it’s the single-most important factor in letting you know that something is wrong with you. What is it?George Gobel: It’s when people pass you on the street, and go “YECCH!”
George Gobel
(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares
Peter Marshall: According to police, if you are being molested, other than yelling, “Help!,” what is the best thing to scream?Rose Marie: More!
Rose Marie
(1923 – ) American actress & comedian
Hollywood Squares
Peter Marshall: Ann Landers recently wrote a book titled “How To Tell The Difference Between Love And…” what?Paul Lynde: A kidney infection.
Paul Lynde
(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares
Peter Marshall: True or false… Paul, Gypsy folklore says that God created man by baking him in an oven.
Paul Lynde: [turns and looks at Black singer Leslie Uggams] Looks like you were overcooked.
[Leslie Uggams laughed so hard she was lying across the desk.]
Paul Lynde
(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares
Peter Marshall: Paul, true or false… studies show that women in their sixties have a more intense craving for physical romance than when they were in their forties…Paul Lynde: Well, that's tough!
Paul Lynde
(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares
Peter Marshall: In 1976, who made headlines by saying “I can’t type! I can’t file! I can’t even answer the phone!?” Harvey Korman: Richard Nixon.
Harvey Korman
(1927 – 2008) American comedic actor
Hollywood Squares
Peter Marshall: What do you call a man who gives you diamonds and pearls?Paul Lynde: I’d call him “Darling”!
Paul Lynde
(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares
Tom Bergeron: You have “frigaphobia.” What are you afraid of? Whoopi Goldberg: Every friggin’ thing!
Whoopi Goldberg
(1955 – ) American comedian, actress, political activist & talk show host
Hollywood Squares
Peter Marshall: A recent hearing, opponents of fluorinated water argue that too much fluorine in a persons system can cause an uncontrollable desire for sex?Paul Lynde (shouting): HEY CULLIGAN MAN!
Paul Lynde
(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares
Peter Marshall: According to flag ettiquette, how does a woman show her respect for the American flag? George Gobel: She picks up a sailor.
George Gobel
(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares
Peter Marshall: When is it a good idea to put your pantyhose in the microwave oven for two minutes?Paul Lynde: When your house is surrounded by the police.
Paul Lynde
(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares
Peter Marshall: Do female frogs croak? Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water.
Paul Lynde
(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares
Peter Marshall: According to beauty experts at
Seventeen
magazine, what is the major cause of crows feet?George Gobel: God made them so crows could dance.
George Gobel
(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor
Hollywood Squares
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