Quotes and One Liners

Peter Marshall: Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?
Joan Rivers: Yes. It’s daddy’s turn.

Joan Rivers

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Peter Marshall: Charley, how many balls are on a pool table in a standard game of 8-ball?
Charlie Weaver: How many men are on the table?

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: According to animal experts, what usually gets an ostrich to bury its head in the sand?
David Brenner: A falling piano.

David Brenner

(1936 – 2014) American standup comedian, actor & author

Peter Marshall: Would you be surprised to find some wood in your hot dog?
Paul Lynde: No, but I’d be surprised to find some meat.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to the song classic, “Things aren’t always as bad as they seem if you…” Do what?
Paul Lynde: Put a bag over her head.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: When you go shopping, is there any difference between irregulars and seconds?
Charley Weaver: Out at the home, when I have seconds I get irregular.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: In the Bible, King Balshazar saw the handwriting on the wall, and later that night something unfortunate happened. What?
Joan Rivers: Yeah, well, he found out that Shirley’s number had been disconnected.

Joan Rivers

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

John Davidson: An editor of The Youth’s Companion wrote this and you’ve probably said this hundreds of times. What?
Rose Marie: Your place or mine!

Rose Marie

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: According to FEMA, people from Florida should be prepared for hurricanes and people from the Midwest should be prepared for floods. What should people from California be prepared for?
Charley Weaver: The people from Florida and the people from the Midwest.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: According to the old song, “At night, when you’re asleep, into your tent I’ll creep.” Who am I?
Paul Lynde: The scoutmaster!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: The great writer George Bernard Shaw once wrote, 'It's such a wonderful thing, what a crime to waste it on children.' What is it?
Paul Lynde: A whipping.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… every day, about 10 million American women take the pill.
Paul Lynde: And I could name 'em all!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Your bird has a temperature of 150 degrees. Will he live?
Charley Weaver: Gee, I hope not. My dinner guests will be here in a couple of minutes.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: As we grow older, do we use more profanity or less?
Jonathan Winters (as Maudie Frickett): Well, I don’t know, I was pretty foul when I was younger, but that was up in the attic.

Jonathan Winters

(1925 – 2013) comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to legend, who looks better, a pixie or a fairy?
Paul Lynde (in deeper voice): Well, looks aren’t everything!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Who was known as “Old Blood and Guts?”
Paul Lynde: Barbara Stanwyck.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, nothing will make a young teenage couple stay together as much as when their parents do something. Do what?
Rose Marie: When they go away for the weekend. When they’re left alone, they have a ball.

Rose Marie

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: Is it normal for Norwegians to talk to trees?
Paul Lynde: As long as that’s as far as it goes.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, Snow White… was she a blonde or a brunette?
Paul Lynde: Only Walt Disney knows for sure…

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor