Quotes and One Liners

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Tommy Smothers and President George Washington share a common outstanding physical trait that's very noticeable and unique. What is it?
Charley Weaver: They both have wooden teeth.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to her grandma’s house. On her way there, she stopped to get something for her grandma. To get what?
Paul Lynde: Feen-a-mints.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Tom Bergeron: You have “frigaphobia.” What are you afraid of?
Whoopi Goldberg: Every friggin’ thing!

Whoopi Goldberg

(1955 – ) American comedian, actress, political activist & talk show host

Peter Marshall: True or false… many of our highways and railroads were built directly on the trails left by bison?
Paul Lynde: So that’s why the roads are so bumpy.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… Paul, Gypsy folklore says that God created man by baking him in an oven.
Paul Lynde: [turns and looks at Black singer Leslie Uggams] Looks like you were overcooked.
[Leslie Uggams laughed so hard she was lying across the desk.]

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, can anything bring tears to a chimp's eyes?
>Paul Lynde: Finding out that Tarzan swings both ways!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In the literary world, who kept saying ‘I think I can, I think I can?’

Charley Weaver: Well, out at the home, that was Mr. Ferguson. And Mrs. Ferguson kept saying '’ wish he would! I wish he would!’

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Shakespeare wrote 154 of them. What are they?
Charley Weaver: Checks to Rose Marie for services rendered.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Is it possible for the puppies in a litter to have more than one daddy?
Paul Lynde: Why, that bitch!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Madame, is it true that people who smoke get rear-ended more often?
Wayland & puppet Madame: Hi sailor, got a light?

Wayland Flowers

(1939 – 1988) American puppeteer

Peter Marshall: True or false… there are more psychiatrists in Beverly Hills than plumbers.
Paul Lynde: When my toilet’s backed up, I don’t care who fixes it!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul,Zsa Zsa Gabor says she never ever swims with her face in the water. Why?
Paul Lynde: It clogs the drain.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: The great Sphinx has a human’s head, but whose body?
Rose Marie: Milton Berle's.

Rose Marie

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: Charley, an 87-year-old doctor named Quick invented something that’s named for him. What is it?
Charley Weaver: 87 years old? I’d say the quickie!

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, your husband, Edgar, is talking in his sleep. Should you be upset if he talks about his secretary?
Joan Rivers: And how… his secretary is a guy!

Joan Rivers

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Peter Marshall: What is the most popular place in America that people want to visit?
George Gobel: It’s right down the hall, to the right and has a sign on the door.

George Gobel

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Can traffic noises affect your sexual prowess?
Jim Backus: Yes, so you should pull over and park.

Jim Backus

(1913 – 1989) American radio, television, film & voice actor

Peter Marshall: What are “dual purpose” cattle good for that other cattle aren’t?
Paul Lynde: They give milk and cookies… but I don’t recommend the cookies!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to experts, can you have a one-second dream?
Harvey Korman: Well sure, but I always ask for some of my money back.

Harvey Korman

(1927 – 2008) American comedic actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… rubbing grapefruits on your body makes you sexy?
Marty Allen: Whose grapefruits?

Marty Allen

(1922 – 2018) comedian & actor