Quotes and One Liners

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… massaging the feet helps some people with hot flashes?
George Gobel: So that’s why Rose Marie wears battery-operated shoes.

George Gobel

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, nothing will make a young teenage couple stay together as much as when their parents do something. Do what?
Rose Marie: When they go away for the weekend. When they’re left alone, they have a ball.

Rose Marie

(1923 – ) American actress & comedian

Peter Marshall: True or false… your teeth are about the same size and shape as a pig's?
Paul Lynde: Look who's talking, Beaverface!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Charley, how many balls are on a pool table in a standard game of 8-ball?
Charlie Weaver: How many men are on the table?

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to her grandma’s house. On her way there, she stopped to get something for her grandma. To get what?
Paul Lynde: Feen-a-mints.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Your rooster has been fixed so that he no longer has romantic interest in hens. What is the proper word for him now?
Paul Lynde: Suicidal.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: You have some lipstick on your collar. Will treating it with petroleum jelly help?
George Gobel: I'm gonna have a hard enough time explaining the lipstick!

George Gobel

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to legend, who looks better, a pixie or a fairy?
Paul Lynde (in deeper voice): Well, looks aren’t everything!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: When Fernando Cortez captured this city, he called it “The Venice Of The New World.” What do we know that city as today?
Marty Allen: South Philadelphia.

Marty Allen

(1922 – 2018) comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Why do people refer to ships as “she?”
Charlie Weaver: Because both have round bottoms.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: According to experts, can you have a one-second dream?
Harvey Korman: Well sure, but I always ask for some of my money back.

Harvey Korman

(1927 – 2008) American comedic actor

Peter Marshall: Charley, an 87-year-old doctor named Quick invented something that’s named for him. What is it?
Charley Weaver: 87 years old? I’d say the quickie!

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: True or false… Ari Onassis gave Jackie $5 million worth of jewelry in their first year of marriage alone?
Paul Lynde: And it didn’t cure her headache.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, your husband, Edgar, is talking in his sleep. Should you be upset if he talks about his secretary?
Joan Rivers: And how… his secretary is a guy!

Joan Rivers

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Peter Marshall: According to animal experts, what usually gets an ostrich to bury its head in the sand?
David Brenner: A falling piano.

David Brenner

(1936 – 2014) American standup comedian, actor & author

Peter Marshall: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
Charlie Weaver: It got me out of the army!

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: In the United States, what do we call the number one followed by 12 zeros?
Paul Lynde: Dean Martin And The Golddiggers.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to the nursery rhyme, what did Little Bo Peep’s sheep leave behind them?
Paul Lynde: Well, Simple Simon thought they were bread crumbs!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Which is higher, a vice admiral or a rear admiral?
Charley Weaver: That depends on who drinks the most.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian