Quotes and One Liners

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: According to Raquel Welch, a woman’s bust size should have nothing to do with her sex appeal. True or false?
Joan Rivers: That’s easy for her to say.

Joan Rivers

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Peter Marshall: Nathan Hale, one of the heroes of the American Revolution, was hung. Why?
Paul Lynde: Heredity!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: According to the French Chef, Julia Child, how much is a pinch?
Paul Lynde: Just enough to turn her on.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In the Bible, King David asked beautiful and wise Abigail to do something after her first husband died. What?
Paul Lynde: Get him out of the room.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Do rosey cheeks always mean good health?
Charley Weaver: Not if you're sitting on a radiator!

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during your first year?
Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I’m too busy growing strawberries!

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: In what event are you most likely to be confronted by a dog leg?
Vincent Price: Oh, sleeping under a tree every time!

Vincent Price

(1911 – 1993) American actor

Peter Marshall: If you’re going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Cliff Arquette (1905 – 1974) American actor & comedian

Peter Marshall: If you had twins and they weren’t identical, what would they be called?
Nannette Fabray: Peter and Debra!

Nannette Fabray

(1920 – ) American actress, comedian, singer & dancer

Peter Marshall: What is the name of the instrument with the light on the end, that the doctor sticks in your ear?
Paul Lynde: Oh, a cigarette.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, True or false… the University of Nebraska was recently given $185,000 for an extensive study of the prune.
Paul Lynde: There goes $185,000 down the drain!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… each generation of Americans has been about an inch taller than the previous generation.
Paul Lynde: That makes Robert Conrad an antique!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Paul, any good sailor knows that when a man falls off a ship you yell ‘Man overboard!’ What should you shout if a woman falls overboard?
Paul Lynde: Full speed ahead!

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: In Alice in Wonderland, who kept crying “I’m late, I’m late?”
Paul Lynde: Alice, and her mother is sick about it.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… Zsa Zsa Gabor is a deputy sheriff in Chicago?
Paul Lynde: It’s a pity that she couldn’t make it in show business.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Who was known as “Old Blood and Guts?”
Paul Lynde: Barbara Stanwyck.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… on a recent talk show, Joey Heatherton said, “I am not a sexpot.”
Jan Murray: She’s right, Pete, but you’re a damn good emcee.

Jan Murray

(1916 - 2006) American stand-up comedian, actor & game show host

Peter Marshall: True or false… pickles and martinis don’t taste as good to people with dentures?
George Gobel: Well, you can get along without dentures.

George Gobel

(1919 – 1991) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: Why was Daniel thrown to the den of lions?
Paul Lynde: For jaywalking in Jerusalem.

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor

Peter Marshall: True or false… George Jessel has a 9 year old daughter.
Paul Lynde: False. It’s his girlfriend

(1926 – 1982) American comedian & actor