Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 26)

Some people think that drinking and driving is wrong… and I call these people the cops; sometimes you don’t have a choice, though… those kids gotta get to school.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
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He took in a lot of mules.

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Nobody’s perfect… well there was this one guy, but we killed him…

(1957 – ) American author
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He lives in your neck of the woods.

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I hope I never have to use my underpants as a flag, because after that I could never let my underpants touch the ground

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“This steering wheel really is stuck”, Tom maintained unswervingly.

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His family tree is a trunk.

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Tighter than bark on a tree

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Ain't I God's own fool?

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If they ever build a statue of me, I hope they don’t have me with my mouth wide open and holding a sign that says “I love rotten eggs.”

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Well, cut my legs off and call me shorty.

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She's got mud all over her from bum hole to breakfast time.

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Fortune for reading only. Do not eat.

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I wouldn't speak to her if I met her in hell and she was carrying a big lump of ice.

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If you’re ever shipwrecked on a tropical island and you don’t know how to speak the natives’ language, just say “Poppy-oomy.” I bet it means something.

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A face like a well slapped ass.

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Mom always told me I could be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up, within reason; when I asked her what she meant by within reason, she said that I ask a lot of questions for a garbage man.

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That size don't get no bigger.

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Instead of putting a quarter under a kid’s pillow, how about a pine cone? … that way, he learns that ‘wishing’ isn’t going to save our national forests.

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It’s funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating.

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If there's one rat you can see, there's gonna be 50 you can't.

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