Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 31)

The fool’s so lost he don’t know if he’s afoot or on horseback.

Miscellaneous

With every new sunrise, there is a new chance. But with every sunset, you blew it.

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He could sell firewood in hell.

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Confucius say… he who can take the rough with the smooth knows how to maintain an even keel.

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Piss on the fire and call in the dogs.

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The dinner bell is always in tune.

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The ox is in the ditch.

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I’ll Marry You Tomorrow (But Let’s Honeymoon Tonite)

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Beanville, Vermont

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If I lived back in the olden days, and the doctor put leeches on me, I’d tell him to put them on my face, in the shape of a beard, so I could see how I’d look.

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Seen better legs on a table.

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I hope that when I die, people say about me, ‘Boy, that guy sure owed me a lot of money.’

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He don’t have a pot to piss in nor a window to throw it out of.

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Whenever I need to ‘get away,’ I just get away in my mind; I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect; the only bad thing there are the flies… they’re terrible!

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She is so ugly I would hire her to haunt a house.

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I wish somebody would invent a fruit that had no seeds, tasted delicious, and would scream when you ate it.

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Mites don’t fly this time of the year.

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I bet when they weren’t fighting, Vikings with horn helmets had to stick potatoes on the ends of the horns, so as to avoid eye-pokings to fellow Vikings and lady Vikings.

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More than plenty

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I read that when the archaeologists dug down into the ancient cemetery, they found fragments of human bones! What kind of barbarians were these people, anyway?

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Her butt is two axe handles wide.

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