Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Miscellaneous
(Page 31)
You could grow potatoes in those dirty ears.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
You’ve got the saw by the wrong tree.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Not telling it correctly
Other expressions
I'm gonna peck a knot on your head!
Country expression
Miscellaneous
A threat (usually to a child)
Other expressions
You look like death eating a cracker.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
I was lying in bed last night and I couldn’t sleep, and I came up with an idea. So I went right home and wrote it down.
Betty White
1922) American actress, comedian & television personality
Miscellaneous
As Sue Ann Nivens in “The Mary Tyer Moore Show”
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don’t want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, “What was THAT?!”
Miscellaneous
Gooder than grits
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Good
Other expressions
Things are going well
I'm so hungry I could eat my elbows.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Hunger
Other expressions
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
Miscellaneous
When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves; and usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.
Miscellaneous
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage; I take that as a compliment.
Anonymous
Miscellaneous
As scarce as hens teeth.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
Scarcity
He was as mad as a mule chewin' on bumblebees.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Other expressions
I’ve been on what I call my UFO Tour, which means, like UFOs, I too have been appearing in small southern towns in front of a handful of hillbillies lately.
Bill Hicks
(1961 – 1994) comedian
Miscellaneous
UFOs
There is nothing more awkward than the moment you realize you’re getting a double-cheek kiss.
Michelle Markowitz
Miscellaneous
How do you write ‘zero’ in Roman Numerals?
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous
Madder than a hornet!
Country expression
Miscellaneous
Angry
Other expressions
Instead of having “answers” on a math test, they should just call them “impressions,” and if you got a different “impression,” so what, can’t we all be brothers?
Miscellaneous
He gets Tuesday’s paper on Friday.
Country expression
Miscellaneous
He gets Tuesday’s paper on Friday.
Other expressions
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients… but we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
Miscellaneous
Refried Dreams
Tim McGraw
Miscellaneous
Written by Mark Peterson & Jim Foster
Page 31 of 75
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