Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 31)

Oh for crying in the bucket.

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Thank God it wasn’t his prostate.

(1884 – 1980) author & wit
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Cute as a sack full of puppies.

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If I had a nickname, I think I would want it to be “Prince of Weasels”, because then I could go up and bite people and they would turn around and go, “What the – ?” And then they would recognize me, and go, “Oh, it’s you, the Prince of Weasels.”

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If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!

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He could fall down walkin’ from the house to the barn.

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You might as well play Hob with the hoe-handle!

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I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I’d have all my money back.

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I wish somebody would invent a fruit that had no seeds, tasted delicious, and would scream when you ate it.

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That coffee's strong enough to float an iron spoon.

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Don’t ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are.

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Practical Demonkeeping


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They say no one knows if we all see red the same way… except traffic cops.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian, television writer/producer & radio host
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I'm so broke I can't afford to pay attention.

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There was probably an old Viking saying that said, “Ax in the head, early to bed; ax in the helmet, a friend of Helmut.”

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Don’t let your mouth write a check that your ass can’t cash.

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Like a turkey in young corn

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I think there is more wisdom in a single drop of rain than there is in all the books in all the libraries of the world… wait, not rain– super-concentrated brain juice.

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I'll knock you so hard you'll see tomorrow today.

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Rest your features

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Crooked as a cork screw.

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